a letter to my son Adrian

It's odd that it's taken so long to realize a letter sure would be an effective form of communication for us.
I love to see the words, they are completely malleable at this stage. I can change them if I need to, before they become my truth, in your mind.
Before the idea of this letter, I had been asking for a way to apologise to you Adrian.

What a wild experience, finding myself the mother of a 20 year old son that I've forgotten how to have a relationship with. It's ironic to me, actually it's a huge "real"ization of; you only see what your willing to see. I spent the first days of your existence writing letters to you. Everyday I'd write to you, about everything. My first child, my first true love, my baby. Here I am, writing my first real letter in years, and years.
A letter of gratitude and a letter of deep, sorrowful apologies and more love than could ever possibly be put into mere words.
All the personalities and souls that exist within me (we call Justina) are here, standing impatiently for their  "side" of this story of us... Adrian and his mom.
In my quest to find myself, I found one thing that applies to everything as one.
It is love, or the cry for love.
It seems like you and I have been crying for love or to learn how to love for a long, long, long time.
Where do you go to learn how to love, even ourselves if no one we know knows how? What do you say when none of the words we know speak the language of our hearts? Where do you go when your not sure of the way? How do I say; I'm sorry, I'm not sure where I lost you but I am determined I'll find the way, I know that everything is going to be alright.
We go inside. We remember our own heart.

Somewhere along the path & more than likely there were many different places, I lost faith in us, in our love.
I was a coward.
In order to become that, I first believed what I was told, I lived the story I was given and believed.
I am beginning to understand and believe that everything happens for a reason. To help us wake up to specific realizations that will in turn create a picture larger than our human understanding. But, I also believe that you can choose the hard way, or, the less hard way.
In my experience so far, that means we must communicate = find a way to express our hearts in order to make things most enjoyable, gratifying, and loving as possible.
Walking away dropped the ball for all of us in communicating. It also enabled many of our strengths to come forward and be known.

Never, in my wildest dreams would I ever want to become the crazy, angry mom who doesn't know how to have an enjoyable relationship with her son. Living the part in this story is breaking our hearts and it is time to move on.
It is important now for us to find a way to forgive ourselves and each other for the millions of heartaches we have suffered and find a way to share our love with each other. I will stop being circumstantial & focus on our health: emotionally, spiritually, physically, and connectively. Together, as a whole, our family is amazing.
You are the smartest person I know.
I'm excited to concentrate on our strengths, our passions,the things that make us go hmmmmm, and the things that take our breathe away & that make our hearts beat fast & put our muscles to the test & our love out front and forward.
When we walk away from another fantastic experience, our bond will be apparent in everything for miles around.

I'm achingly sorry for the hurts I've caused and the pain I've put you through and the gallons of tears I've caused you to shed, alone. I'm sorry for all the nights I've missed snuggling you, and helping you, and learning from you, and teaching you, and hearing you, and laughing with you, and enjoying the beautiful, amazing son I have in you.

For the rest of my earthly days and the eternity after that Adrian Ralph, I will be showing you how grateful I am for your existence in my little world.

I love you, MTICS,
all ways,
always,
Mom.

12.12.11

It is time for the words to come thru this perfect human vessel they call Justina. What a creature eh? Born & raised, just like this. Possiblilites pouring forth. The universe showing me 100's of roads I may take, maye all the roads I AM taking, each completely possible simutaneously. Cool word.
Visions of working @ the health food sore, meeting lots of people in an environment of like minds, talking about the very thing I encompass in my life consistantlly and importantly, my health, our health, the health of this planet. Health=Wealth.
A pay check and discounts=big pluses. <3
Surrogacy. <3 Really super excited about doing this. Super excited about the people this decision is pulling toward me. How exciting. To feel a baby inside me, now that I am aware of myself gives me goosebumps to realize, soon, this will be a reality.
I love that I have always known I would one day do this. I love that it explains how I knew I would one day, deliver twins :) Exciting. I can feel the energy of the parents out there, wakin gup everyday, wondering if today is the day they will find out a baby is in the works. Just to be ther bearer of the news much less the bearer of a child. Ther perceptions (tthe things I pay attention to) that led me to this are much like the life that brought me to realize my whole life I've been learning to love Bill. I've been living to become a baby home for couples that have been longing to share their lives with an awareness miracle. YAY!

<3 Singing. singer. Sings. <3
Sometimes, my voice gives me goosebumps & I realize that I am only ever truly happy & completely free & simply me, when I am singing. Singing from deep down in the depths of my soul, generations & lifetimes breaking through, as I sing, for you.
I am, I do, I give & I receive, I laugh & I cry.
We are.

Weird. I remember saying the words as I gave myself away in my belief, in my mind.
I don't have a clue why, as to remind me, as important & urgent & even life threatening as it may seem @ the time, this too shall pass.
I gave it up, as I gave up island living.

1. couldn't live without "it".
2. Lived without "it".
3 Appreciate "it" now, more than ever before.
=Bill, the island, my family, my laughter, my voice, being a mother, intimacy, love....
Working toward selling this house, the next chapter is waiting.
Take the time to do that while singing as a first step.

The next step will appear as you make the movement toward it.

xoxo
Justina

working on a new visual board :)

CLARITY
able abstract abundance abundant acceptance acknowledge activating active adequate align allow angels appreciative appropriate ascension assist atonement attractive aura authentic available awaken aware awe

balancing be beautiful belief believe best big blessed blessing bliss bloom buoyant


calm care celebratory certain channel charitable choice chosen clear cleansing close co-creator coherent collective comfortable commitment community compassionate complete compliant concern confident connection conscious considerate content contentment contributing courage create creation creative cycle


dance decide delightful discharge divine divinity dwell dynamic

ease ecstasy effective elevated emotional empowered encompassing encouraging endless energetic energy engaged enjoy enlightened equality essential eternal eternity ethic everlasting evolutionary evolving exact exciting exploration expressive extension

faithful fantastic feel flow focused force forgiving foundation frequency full fulfilling

genuine gift giving glad global Glory God good gracious grateful gratifying gratitude great_full group growth guidance

harmonic harmonious healing healthy hear heart heaven hierarchy helpful here high high-frequency Holy home honored hope humankind humble humor

idealistic immediate immortal impersonal indivisible influential innocent inside inspirational integrated integrity intelligence intended interactive internal intimate intuition intuitive invigorating invincible invoking is

journey Joy joyful joyous just justice

kind Kingdom know knowledge

laugh learning let-go life light listening live logical love loving loyal lucid

macro manifest maturation meaningful meditating mindful miraculous mission moral motion  motivating multi-sensory mutual

natural now nurturing nutrition

One open opportunity organized our

partnership passionate path patient peaceful perceiving perceptive perfection playful positive possible potent powerful pray precise presence present process profound protective provide providing pure purity purposeful

quality quantum

radiate real reality realize receiving receptive reciprocal reflective rejoice relationship relax releasing remembering resilient responsible restore reverence revival rich rise rhythm

sacred safe satisfied secure security seeking sensible servicing simple soul source special specific spirit spiritual steps still strength strive strong super supportive sustainable sweet symbolic synchronized

teaching thoughtful to together toward tranquil transforming true truth understanding

unique uniting unity universal universe unlimited unseen up

value vertical vigilant vision visionary

walk water we well-being white whole will wisdom with within witness wonderful worldly worthy


CONFUSION

abandonment absence absent abusive accidental aching acquiescent addictive afraid against agitated alien annihilation anxiety anxious arrogant artificial assuming astray attacking attitude authoritative away

banished behind bewildered bias black blaming blind blocked bored breakdown brief brutality


chaotic closed cold competitive compliant conditional conflicting conformity contaminated contradictory controlling corrupt crazy

damaging damned dark dead deceiving deceptive defensive delay delusional denial dense dependant depressed deprived desire despair desperate destructive devastated different difficult disappointing discombobulated discriminating disorder disregarded dissociated distant distorted distressing disturbed divided dominate dormant doubt down drugged duress

ego egoism eluding embarrassing emptiness ending enveloped erroneous escape evil exaggerated excluded external extorted extreme

fabricated facade failure fake fantasy fear fell five-sensory  fluctuating forced forceful fornication  fragmented frantic frustrating future

gain gluttonous gossip grandiosity grasping greedy grief guilt

hallucination harmful harsh hate havoc heaviness horizontal hunger hurt

I idle ignorant illusion imaginary imagined imbalanced impaired impatient imposing impossible imprisoned impulsive inadequate incapable individual indulgent insane insanity insatiable insecure insistent interfering intimidating irrational irresponsible

jealousy judgemental jumbled

kept kill kinked

lacking lies limited limiting linear lingering little lonely longing loss low lower-frequency

magic manipulated martyr matter meaningless messy micro mindless more mortal

needy negative nightmarish noisy nonexistent nonsense

obedient obligating obscure opposing overwhelming

pain panicky partiality passive past patterns perplexed personal pitfall planning poor possessive power powerless pressing pressure prevailing prideful problematic profound projection property protective punishing

questionable

unconscious unreal


rage reacting refusing rejection resentment restraining restricted retracted ruin rule


sacrificial scattered secret seduction selfish separate serious shame sick situational sleep sorrow splintered split survival stingy stressful striving stumbling submission suffering suspect suspicious swindling


take talkative temptation terror threatening time tomorrow torn torture total trauma treacherous tricky tyranny


unconscious unfair unnecessary urgent 

vicious victimized violent vulnerable

wanting wanton war weak wishing withdrawn worry wrong

to us

All kinds of things run in and out of my mind.Good stuff, silly stuff, absurd, interesting, terrifying, exotic, blessings, children, hope.
I constantly take deep breathes, reminding myself, I am NOT my thoughts, & I smile. I take another deeep breathe, and a good look around, reminding myself of the lucky life I live, fortunate.
In the end, only kindness matters.

There is ONLY love.Everything else is an illusion.

In order to carry the light, to allow your lifht to shine, you must polish. You must tend to the dirty stuff, inside and out.

Some of the stuff takes only a moment, only a thought, and the dirt is gone.
Other areaas however may take some swet, tears & gears.
Sometimes, after grueling heartbreak, you may go back & find there's still some there, or worse, it's back.
These spots are there because in a moment of reflection, grace & forgiveness was never given. A view from another perspective, a lesson learned.
This light I pray to be let through requires me to let go of ALL the bullshit, the fear, the sadness. It requires me to believe, to have all the faith in this world, into the unseen.
I am learning to flow. I am becoming one, one with all.

Long, long, long ago... we agreed to do this together. You help me, I'll help you.
It's easier, together. It allows us to laugh with each other & at each other. To have fun.
& that, is really all it's about.
The journey, called life.
xoxo

human emotion in words

 

I began realizing the effects of our feelings and their relation to emotions and the language we use to express them. In observation, I noticed that for the most part, we humans expressed only a few symniotic feeling words; okay, good, happy, mad, sad, pissed, depressed, fine, alright, and really mad. 

I also realized that once we "decide" we are one of these description words, we can be there all day or even days if we want! 

blah blah blah. 

At some point I was driven to research lists of feeling words.

 I wrote down all of the words that popped out to me. From that list, I sat down with markers and chose words that stood out from the second list. The poster board signs below are examples of words I began with.

I didn't want to start my blog with some of these words. Words that described how I felt when I began this "self journey".
A few things happened as I began hanging these around the house.
When you read each word and give yourself a moment to feel the chemical release each of them provide.
The emotion is much easier to
#1 Realize
#2 understand
#3 let go
when it's broken down into a more descriptive word.

It's amazing how quickly we can go from one vivid emotion to the next in mere moments.
I noticed that the words descriptive of my feelings at the time would jump off the page at me.
I chose to write each word in different colors and fonts to approach it's effects.
The only thing I have to say is, try it :)

okay.

Here's something I really don't understand, something I am praying for some clarity and understanding.
WHY?
Ha ha, coming home has reminded me that I have ALL-WAYS been a Why "ask-er".
One day, while asking my mom why, why, why... she yelled, "I don't know Justina!".
I felt 6 again instantly. I remembered hearing those words directed at my constant inquiry, often.
It's only now, as a big girl, finally, that I can see how the answer is "I don't know!".

The line of questioning at that time is still burning in my ear. (I should let you know that the day they laid the first piece of pavement on this island, I sat watching, holding my breathe, crying. I couldn't believe they were letting this happen. The smell still makes me wince).
Okay, this leads to the line of questioning. My mom was happy to get an application for some road crew that got the job to pave a 3 million $ road from a little tiny logging town (population 199) to a private fishing resort, paid for by the government as a plan for more jobs?
I do not participate in public broadcasting services in any form, I certainly do not allow my sacred self to hear ANY part of the "news" so, I'm a little slow sometimes at the politics of the world or whatever. I hear that the "president" cut school $....again, music/library/sports and opened up umpteen millions of $ for more oil paved roads? to nowhere?
wtf?
Is anyone concerned?
Wondering Why?
Is this okay? Or just another one of those things we don't understand and still, we allow it to happen.
Which leads me to the real questions this blog demands from me.....

We (maybe) have established that our government has been created with a demand for money and power. They have left humanity and it's needs out of the equation of the foundation. Therefore we are not even a consideration. There are only 2 focuses, money and power. Are we on the same page? This is how things like oil paved roads come before our children and our welfare.
SO, now we find ourselves ill. In someway or another EVERYONE you know is ill.
Are we asking why?

To obtain power: control the money and the people.
To control the money: print it.
To control the people: own the food and the water supply.
The water and the food supply have been contaminated. We are being controlled by the food. We are being made stupid. Flouride's purpose is to calcify your pineal gland, the you. Flouride is making us docile (to lazy to care or stand up)
In our food we are given illness's such as ADHD, Diabetes, high blood pressure just with fake sugars alone.
Now we must take the pharmaceuticals (that are killing us) to lesson the symptoms and that require more pharmaceuticals?
There are very few reasons all of us will give up everything we have worked for.
#1 a family members health
#2 a family in trouble with "our" law
I believe all of us have a few family members that are in one or both of these situations. Dying of cancer or sitting in jail.
I'm getting a little off track here.
We have established the idea that whoever it is in power will say and do anything possible to keep the illusioned "power".

Is it unreasonable to suggest that there is some kind of "un-natural, natural selection going on? That there is a reason the market is FLOODED with tobacco and alcohol? Two VERY addicting substances that are highly taxed are in every home I have come across in more ways than one.
The sad illness of alcoholism is abundant.
The best way to kill off a culture: give them a system that doesn't work in the first place.
The best way to kill off the weak/poor: feed them cheap food made with chemicals. followed by chemical medicine
The best way to kill the mind: feed it an addiction it will carry as it's own. Rather than the epidemic it has become.
The best way to kill the human emotion: separate the people, let them put themselves in separate living pods, staring at screens that give the illusion of a life lived.

All country's, religions, and cultures in history, and it's stars have predicted this time in creation. A time when brother's will war with brother's, sisters will fight sister's, rains will fall, fires will flare, Will we succumb?
Nature will right itself EVERY TIME. If it feels like we (humans) are an illness, a cancer, it will rid itself of us.
Succumb? Why is this a word? Why is this an option?

suc·cumb/səˈkəm/

Verb:	Fail to resist (pressure, temptation, or some other negative force). Die from the effect of a disease or injury.
Synonyms:	die - surrender - yield - submit - give in How about instead we say NO.  How about we get pissed at the "things" we need to be pissed at.  Not the messengers, not your family, not those who love you....  The things that have taken over YOUR life and YOUR mind.. Demand something different. You are what you eat. The fuel you put in your vessel matters. If your only putting in cheap and easy... the results are cheap and easy.  It is not anyone's fault. Just stop participating. Stop allowing our government to make you pay to kill yourself. If God didn't make it, you don't need it. Simply. Your mind is so powerful and valuable, those in power will do anything to stop you from realizing this.  What I don't understand is how sad and hurtful alcoholism is and how taboo the subject. It is killing most of us. All of us know someone that drinks enough to hurt. On our trip across the country I saw ghost towns, too many of them. Entire towns.... dead.  At a gas station, I witnessed a little girl begging her mom to buy her some cranberry juice. The mom got it priced and yelled " $5? Are you kidding, No WAY! That's way to much, I'll take a pack of Marlboro's" ($8).  Made my stomach  sick. I wish I would have bought that girl her juice. When I got here, I was talking to my dad about our choice to change our life style, completely. I was saying how an apple has more energy than a cup of coffee... He replied, "yeah, well an apple's damn near $2 bucks here, I ain't paying that kind of money!" He had a beer in his hand. (it cost's more and you can drink a lot more of them than you can eat apples in a day). I am glad to be home. I have been looking for the understanding I am finding here. It has been a long journey, my heart has been here all these years, I am understanding why. I am here for a reason, God has a lot of faith in me, more than I can even believe. I will not falter, I will stand and follow his calling. I have been praying for doors to open and be seen. I have come filtering energy and sharing love, at times this is tough... in the end, it shall be rewarding for "everything will be okay in the end, if it's not okay, it's not the end. xoxoxoxoxoxo justina

The "Great Remembering"

I am reminded it's a great time to write when I hear myself say, "how would I possibly put THESE feelings and thoughts into words?" The answer is always simple, do it. I'm also the kind of girl that loves to challenge herself, and when my ego says I can't, here I am.
I talked to a friend tonight, he was drunk, probably not what I needed, but nevertheless, I listened, of course.
Some things really stuck out to me. "get a life, of your own", " I can't figure you out", "why can't I just admit, I'm in love with a girl"?

Hmm, I've been working really hard on getting a life of my own. Seems the only difficulty I continue running into is; living life for others, and honestly, even living others lives. So, I guess I understand and relate to this statement, I often wish this of, well, everyone. Sometimes I push it a bit farther and wish for everyone to get a life, a sober one. Some say this is too far.

Now, "I can't figure you out"? This is opposite of, figuring yourself out, or getting your own life. At least I think? If I listen to what was really being asked... What is my agenda? What is my ulterior motive? What is it I'm trying to get? This is a weird one, because often it seems I am scrutinized because I have one, a big one, one that most are not used of being approached with.... LOVE.

I really don't have much time or patience left for anything else. I am absurdly tired of drama and chaos. I have spent more than enough of my life wrapped up in these things. I have spent the last years of my life remembering what is important and letting go of ALL the rest. I am learning how to let go, to go where I am called upon. I do not intend on bringing "things" with me on this journey.

As for being in love with another woman, I am confident in myself and the experiences life has to offer. God works in mysterious ways, I have faith in His calling, His plan. I only know that I work well with the woman I love, I look forward to sharing this journey with her on my team, our team.... the Spirit, as humans.
I believe I have lived this life loving people, loving souls. I have been gifted with the ability to see past the shallow stuff. It didn't come easy and didn't come without searching, practicing, learning, and asking for it's blessing, in all ways.
There is more to this than we understand, EVERYTHING happens for a reason. I have faith, 100% raw faith, I believe God only gives you what you can handle, he has A LOT of faith in me. Often, It's hard to believe just how much. I know that we are all having a hard time, I know there is a lot of fear and suffering, I also know LOVE.
This chaos, this brothers fighting brothers has been prophesied for as far back as we know. We have come to the time of the "Great Unknowing", the saddest time in human existence.  How are we doing? How are we communicating with others? What are we doing to get through this time? What do we need to do to wake Up? To know? to Remember?
Pray, LOVE, pray and love some more.
Meditate, remember calmness. Don't take anything personal, nothing others do or say is because of anyone else. There's love through every door. We are love, all there is, is love. Everything else is an illusion.
REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE.
xoxoxo
Justina

An important 5 minute message

sept. 7th 2011

Home
I will look for and create places in my life where I feel seen and understood for who I am. Craziness is sometimes thought of as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. I will not beat my head against a wall. If I am constantly misread and misunderstood somewhere, I will go elsewhere to see if I am understood there. I cannot come to see and understand myself if I am misunderstood and accused of being other than who I think and feel myself to be. I need to feel in synch enough to balance out one opinion with another, one perception with another. I will go crazy trying to get approval where it is constantly withheld. I need not overreact and run away in horror, but I definitely owe it to myself to get a second opinion. The truest home that I have is within me - where God and I dwell together.
Home is where the heart is.
Home is not where you live but where they understand you.
Christian Morgenstern

is it possible?

that i have the most wonderful, beautiful, amazing children in the whole world?

I am writing more.

Yesterday I was visiting with a friend that created a habit for herself where she wakes up every morning by 5 am, makes coffee, rolls a joint, and plays her guitar for an hour. She's been doing this for years and years. Says her children absolutely LOVE waking up to her singing.
I have been aware for some time what I have to do in order to create the morning ritual I dream of. Although I'm not a New Year's Resolution kind of girl, this year I committed myself to doing this for myself. There are so many benefits to the morning I dream of; I love writing, running, coffee, I love sun rises (although I've only seen a few, when I stayed up all night).
Why do I hold myself back from this? I love expressing myself this way and yet I seem to keep myself from it. Today I am ready. I am open to the new experience, the habit I choose.
I figure just maybe, writing to myself about it will open myself up to actually DOING it.
I also love love.
so.... see you in the a.m
xoxo

The top of the circle is uphill

I noticed some time ago,
I was  turning around moments too soon.
giving up almost at the top of the hill,
speaking before thinking,
quitting before finishing,
dreaming and not doing,
acting without thinking,
sleeping too much, living too little.

I started paying a little more attention,
listening more,
following my heart, quieting my mind.
singing and dancing,
spending more time, here... now.
smiling and hugging everyone, every where, as often as possible.
Stopped waiting and started being still.
observing rather than judging,
allowing, no longer controlling.
accepting, kind, gentle.
learning, teaching.
being light,
flowing energies, beating heart.
maker of love.
in love.
Giving permission for the worlds heart to beat, as one.

travels

This journey across america with Josh and taylor has been phenomenal. What an amazing country we live in and what truly fantastic children have chosen ME to be their mother. I shall remember this, I shall put this feeling, this information in my thoughts to recall anytime I begin forgetting.

life on the road.

Ghost towns, corn fields, fields of cows, wonderful coffee, snuggles, good music, scenic routes, big trucks, rest areas, good snacks, healthy treats, farmers markets, laughter.
On the road with two teenagers = FUN!
xoxo

words

"say what you mean, mean what you say""say what you need to say"
BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD

Indigenous languages build up, create honor, have more uplifting words than heavy. English, well... how many bad words do you know? How many negative, heavy?? We'd be here for days if we really tried to count.
How many uplifting? Those maybe countable.
If you REAAALLLY pay attention to the words that you say, you might be speechless.
The way we talk to ourselves is hurting everyone.
Is it really crazy?
Do you really not know?
Do you really not care?
Will you really want to do it more in a minute? tomorrow?
What is bored?
You can't? or won't?
Later??
Always????
Exaggerating in conversations and stories brings exaggeration to our lives and most of us don't really need that right now.
Need?? What do we really need anyway?
I found myself saying "I don't care" to almost every question asked of me.
Taylor: "can go I go out and play"
Me: "I don't care"
Bill: "where shall we go eat?"
Me: " I don't care".
Eventually, I really didn't care, about anything. Sad.
When I realized that I was talking down on myself and that I have the free will to change, I began working towards new habits in the language I use.
I now choose replies such as; "Surprise me, You choose, that would be great, Sure, Have fun, that would be lovely".  These replies bring the responses that I am sending out! I get many more surprises and have a lot more fun :) Most importantly, I care.
If this has just come to your attention, you may find yourself appalled and completely flabbergasted with the things that we are saying.
Take deep breathes and just concentrate on one at a time.

Josh has been working with me on the word crazy. I used it often, when I'd say it, he'd ask, "is it really?". Every time, it was actually perfect synchronicity that had enticed the word.

A friend cam over the other day and has begun an awesome activity, every morning when he wakes up, he is writing down a word that describes something he is grateful for in his world. Imagine how this will feel looking at 30 words that describe how awesome you are?
Imagine pages full.
WOW. YES!
We seem to know to many things that we don't like about ourselves and not nearly enough that describe just how amazing we are.
And we are AMAZING!

Love and Light
xoxo
justina
p.s

manifestations of Laurel Nest Yurts

I began very intrigued, truth resonated through me as I remembered the powers within.
Thoughts become things. The hardest part is figuring out what you really want and offering prayer... then letting go.
It is said that manifesting is kind of like sending an email of your request. If you ask clearly and it is in the best interest of the highest good, be patient and grateful as if you already have it. If you doubt or nag, wishes are halted.
It's been one year since Josh and I moved to Asheville. When we embarked on this journey, our intentions were to find a community that would grow with us spiritually, mentally, physically, creatively, etc. I had spent some time researching and found YURT communities. Immediately I felt like this is where I belonged.
(I had just begun sewing again after a long drought, made a couple drum bags for friends and began dreaming of an industrial sewing machine!! Sewing big 'ol drum bags on a basic machine often resembled wrestling a giant).
As soon as we got to Asheville, we started meeting new people, asking questions and getting familiar with the area. We were frequently asked about LEAF festival and told that it was where we must go to find what we were searching for.
Josh and I found ourselves with rent money in hand the day of the festival... and knew that we had to roll it. We both had a determination and a call to go.
10 minutes after arriving, we sat down by the lake to absorb the surrounding energy and let it all sink in. A beautiful Goddess came and sat down near us.
My inner self said very loud and clear, "well, what are you waiting for, say HI".
Within 5 minutes of our conversation with Ms. Marnie Kate, she informed us that she lived in a Yurt community where they make yurts, sewing heavy canvas on industrial sewing machines.
Exactly.
We were invited to join her and met the crowd of Laurel Nest Yurts. It felt like we were aware in a dream. Each person that we met and talked to felt like home. We enjoyed the weekend helping at their sushi stand and relished in the power of intention.
We soon found ourselves living at the Yurt community sewing yurts and utilizing scrap pieces to make drum bags.
This was the first of many manifestations that have been made. Our minds seems to go through many things we don't want in order to see what it is we really want. I think that I was making the mistake of giving up to early, letting lies distort the truth. The next step, letting go is also where we get caught up in analyzing whether or not we "think" it's possible, looking @ only a couple of ways our dreams could come true. We start worrying, justifying, finding ways to live without our dreams, simplifying them away with our doubts. Letting go is an art that must be practiced to obtain.
In practicing stillness I have found the greatness, within and without.
xoxo
Justina

xoxo

Thank you Creator for this day.
I open myself up for you, I am
silent as to hear your calling, to enjoy the experiences life has to
offer.
I intend to use this day to focus on healing hurts, nurishing love,
creating laughter and light everywhere I shine.
I shall honor the souls I am
blessed to meet,
share in the gifts I have been blessed to
receive,
frolick in the joy that constantly lingers in the path I follow,
your path.
Your guidance surrounds and protects me, your light fills
me.
Pleased to allow light to fill voids, to release tension where fluidity
begs to reside.

For the highest good of all, I receive your
abundance.
xoxo
love and light

"I am
all that I ever wished to be. Me".

Justina R.
Kerstein

I emailed this prayer to the intentions of the highest good, (Tony) and received this letter :)

Intentions just don't get any better that this! Can I please put it in our next newsletter and share it with the world!

Thanks so much, Justina. If you are not a dedicated writer or author, you certainly should be. Your words are very, very inspiring . . .

For the Highest Good,

Tony

emotions

I find myself this morning attempting the control of my emotions. huh. This has been attempted millions of times. I am a double pisces with the amplifier planet. Uncommon. Due to the emotions pisces carry, a double pisces is probably too much for one person.
So, now that I get why these emotions have a tendency to try rule my world, here I sit, aware that it's creeping up.
Jealousy? Seems absurd. I'm letting the feelings come through the best I can, without resistance. I know that resisting them turns into an instant nightmare. Pretending it's not happening works for a little while, than like puke when it's triggered, it just dumps out all over the place with no regard as to who, what, or where it splatters.
SO, here I am. I am opening myself up, allowing it to be.
My logic mind continues to argue that it's silly, even if there's truth to my stories, who really cares? Is it a big deal? Am I willing to do anything different to get different results? No. So, then what?
Maybe, it's just okay for me to be jealous. I understant that my decisions and actions have led me here. I understand that I am choosing to let go, and let be.
Even if it hurts, even if I want to scream and cry, and cling.
I know it's best for me to let go.

today.

attempting the lift up, imagining smiles.
Feel like I'm trying to play pac man in a donkey kong world.
It's like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Laid all my cards on the table and it turns out...
we're playing dominoes.
Brought all my equipment, to the wrong field.
Looks like it's time to start over, fresh....
I kind of like it in this brand new place.
I believe they're nice here. Just because.
There's no longer a debt to pay. No need to be "paid back", for us to continue suffering for past actions.
It's a brand new day, a totally new idea, slate clean.
There's no slamming hammers on heads, stealing woman, running, chasing or dying.
It's all brand new.
All the dreams of loving, caring, sharing, dreaming, being, laughing, creating, smooching, playing, singing, and dancing are not only dreams. It turns out, the grass is actually greener on the other side. It wasn't silly of me to think "why am I suffering when around the corner( belief, mindset, trap), there is love?"

I am going with faith, 100%.  I believe with all of my heart there is something more.


The fear of this demension has no place where I'm going. When you get on the big canoe, the only thing that can come with you is faith. It takes up 100% of the room.

I am so grateful for a love that is more than holding on. A love that is completely un-selfish, a love that has learned how to let go, gracefully. I live it, I honor it.

within it

The systems of which we abide have become habitatable.
We are becoming not only tolerant of the pychosis, but seem to have learned to thrive off of it, within it.
The habits and the rituals, the rights and the wrongs, in and outs are so extreme, we have been forced to find the beauty within the chaos, the positive in and through the most horrendous of catastrophe's.

wow

uncertain whether or not I want to bring any more light to the subject... but WOW.
Kid sets up robbery and steals from us. When contacted his mother says if we weren't so stupid as to trust her son, the robbery wouldn't have happened.
They returned most of it, but not all. She says were lucky they gave us back anything. Is she really having her son set up his friends to steal???????
I will continue to pray for them.

88 important truths

88 Important Truths I’ve Learned About Life

by David

Everyone gets drilled with certain lessons in life. Sometimes it takes repeated demonstrations of a given law of life to really get it into your skull, and other times one powerful experience drives the point home once forever. Here are 88 things I’ve discovered about life, the world, and its inhabitants by this point in my short time on earth.
1. You can’t change other people, and it’s rude to try.
2. It is a hundred times more difficult to burn calories than to refrain from consuming them in the first place.
3. If you’re talking to someone you don’t know well, you may be talking to someone who knows way more about whatever you’re talking about than you do.
4. The cheapest and most expensive models are usually both bad deals.
5. Everyone likes somebody who gets to the point quickly.
6. Bad moods will come and go your whole life, and trying to force them away makes them run deeper and last longer.
7. Children are remarkably honest creatures until we teach them not to be.
8. If everyone in the TV show you’re watching is good-looking, it’s not worth watching.
9. Yelling always makes things worse.
10. Whenever you’re worried about what others will think of you, you’re really just worried about what you’ll think of you.
11. Every problem you have is your responsibility, regardless of who caused it.
12. You never have to deal with more than one moment at a time.
13. If you never doubt your beliefs, then you’re wrong a lot.
14. Managing one’s wants is the most powerful skill a person can learn.
15. Nobody has it all figured out.
16. Cynicism is far too easy to be useful.
17. Every passing face on the street represents a story every bit as compelling and complicated as yours.
18. Whenever you hate something, it hates you back: people, situations and inanimate objects alike.
19. Ralph Waldo Emerson’s works alone can teach you everything you need to know about living with grace and happiness.
20. People embellish everything, as a rule.
21. Anger reveals weakness of character, violence even moreso.
22. Humans cannot destroy the planet, but we can destroy its capacity to keep us alive.  And we are.
23. When people are uncomfortable with the present moment, they fidget with their hands or their minds.  Watch and see.
24. Those who complain the most, accomplish the least.
25. Putting something off makes it instantly harder and scarier.
26. Credit card debt devours souls.
27. Nobody knows more than a minuscule fraction of what’s going on in the world. It’s just way too big for any one person to know it well.
28. Most of what we see is only what we think about what we see.
29. A person who is unafraid to present a candid version of herself to the world is as rare as diamonds.
30. The most common addiction in the world is the draw of comfort. It wrecks dreams and breaks people.
31. If what you’re doing feels perfectly safe, there is probably a better course of action.
32. The greatest innovation in the history of humankind is language.
33. Blame is the favorite pastime of those who dislike responsibility.
34. Everyone you meet is better than you at something.
35. Proof is nothing but a collection of opinions that match your own.
36. Knowledge is belief, nothing more.
37. Indulging your desires is not self-love.
38. What makes human beings different from animals is that animals can be themselves with ease.
39. Self-examination is the only path out of misery.
40. Whoever you are, you will die. To know and understand that means you are alive.
41. Revenge is for the petty and irresponsible.
42. Getting truly organized can vastly improve anyone’s life.
43. Almost every cliché contains a truth so profound that people have been compelled to repeat it until it makes you roll your eyes. But the wisdom is still in there.
44. People cause suffering when they are suffering themselves. Alleviating their suffering will help them not hurt others.
45. High quality is worth any quantity, in possessions, friends and experiences.
46. The world would be a better place if everyone read National Geographic.
47. If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship.
48. Even if it costs no money, nothing is free if it takes time.
49. Emotions exist to make us strongly biased towards or against something. This hinders as often as it helps.
50. Addiction is a much greater problem in society than it’s made out to be. It’s present in every person in various forms, but usually we call it something else.
51. “Gut feeling” is not just a euphemism. Tension in the abdomen speaks volumes about how you truly feel about something, beyond all arguments and rationales.
52. Posture and dress change profoundly how you feel about yourself and how others feel about you, like it or not.
53. Everyone thinks they’re an above average driver.
54. The urge to punish others has much more to do with venting frustration than correcting behavior.
55. By default, people think far too much.
56. If anything is worth splurging on, it’s a high-quality mattress. You’ll spend a third of your life using it.
57. There is nothing worse than having no friends.
58. To write a person off as worthless is an act of great violence.
59. Try as we might to be otherwise, we are all hypocrites.
60. Justice is a human invention which is in reality rarely achievable, but many will not hesitate to destroy lives demanding it.
61. Kids will usually understand exactly what you mean if you keep it to one or two short sentences.
62. Stuff that’s on sale usually has an annoying downside.
63. Casual swearing makes people sound dumb.
64. Words are immensely powerful. One cruel remark can wound someone for life.
65. It’s easy to make someone’s day just by being uncommonly pleasant to them.
66. Most of what children learn from their parents isn’t taught on purpose.
67. The secret ingredient is usually butter, in obscene amounts.
68. It is worth re-trying foods that you didn’t like at first.
69. Problems, when they arise, are rarely as painful as the experience of fearing them.
70. Nothing — ever — happens exactly like you pictured it.
71. North Americans are generally terrible at accepting compliments and offers of help.
72. There are not enough women in positions of power. The world has suffered from this deficit for a long time.
73. When you break promises to yourself, you feel terrible. When you make a habit of it, you begin to hate yourself.
74. A good nine out of ten bad things I’ve worried about never happened. A good nine out of ten bad things that did happen never occurred to me to worry about.
75. You can’t hide a bad mood from people who know you well, but you can always be polite.
76. Sometimes you have to remove certain people from your life, even if they’re family.
77. Anyone can be calmed in an instant by looking at the ocean or the stars.
78. There is no point finishing a book you aren’t enjoying. Life is too short for that. Swallow your pride and put it down for good, unfinished.
79. There is no correlation between the price of a brand of batteries and how long they last.
80. Breaking new ground only takes a small amount more effort than you’re used to giving.
81. Life is a solo trip, but you’ll have lots of visitors. Some of them are long-term, most aren’t.
82. One of the best things you can do for your kids is take them on road trips. I’m not a parent, but I was a kid once.
83. The fewer possessions you have, the more they do for you.
84. Einstein was wiser than he was intelligent, and he was a genius.
85. When you’re sick of your own life, that’s a good time to pick up a book.
86. Wishing things were different is a great way to torture yourself.
87. The ability to be happy is nothing other than the ability to come to terms with how things change.
88. Killing time is an atrocity. It’s priceless, and it never grows back.

Mantra:
This is the manifestation of my intentions. I asked for this. I am receiving the gifts I prayed for, even if they hurt now the changes are necessary for the long term goals.
I prayed to be released from the relationships that are false. I prayed to be released from lust, lies, and hurt. I am releasing the old so that the new will be welcomed.
The new is genuine. It is real. It is true.
It seems so surreal, I have been living here in North Carolina for 11 years. WOW. I have not ever really liked it here. In the beginning I reached out, and a few times I looked for a sense of community. It is just so different to live here vs. there.
I come from as island where 30+ aunts live and literally 100's of cousins. A community.
Living here where everyone does their own thing, in their own houses with their own families is weird and hard to accept. I miss my family. I miss walking to the store. I miss going for a walk or a drive and waving at everyone. I miss big family dinners.
I am excited the day has finally come for me to move back to S.E Alaska.
I feel like there should be more to the good-bye's than I've experienced.
I don't know.
I'm lonely.
I come here to love on my girl, when I'm not doing that, I wonder what I'm doing here at all.
I am excited to go home and get the life project on it's way.
I am excited to be making all of these drum bags. I am enjoying it.
I am excited to bring my new industrial sewing machine home so I am not bored and thinking too much.
I am excited to start planning the road trip back.
I am excited. I am counting my blessings and letting go of the sorrows.
xoxo

bursting

spirit, soul, body, mind, chakras, and time are all threatening to burst. Allowing them to come forth on paper always gives the release they are searching for.
I know this.
I also know that I have to allow time and space to give them a chance to line up and get ready to speak.
So, I will work, I will keep my hands and ego busy so they will not interfere and I will return ready to receive the message in a flow.

LOVE.

I stopped singing, sewing, dreaming, and doing all the things I love.
There were moments I thought I no longer had interest in these things because I felt guilty, scared and alone.
I thought I understood the big picture, when in fact, I couldn't even begin to fathom just how perfect and enormous the big picture really is.
I find myself today singing, sewing , and dreaming once again.
Only today, I realize that the reason I stopped doing the things that I really love is so I could enter a sacred place. A place I have been longing to go, to meet a person I have been dying to meet, A friend I have been longing to be one with once again.
The love we share, allowed me to travel deep within myself. Our love brought me to the door, confident, with your strength at my side. In order to enter, I had to leave everything before entering. Your love gave my heart the peace to let it all go.
Everything that I thought was so important, gone. All that was inside that door was me. I journey, with a more panoramic view, a new perspective. I thank you for this grand love, I am forever grateful in learning how to let go. How to serve my purpose; to love, and let go, with grace.

Love YOU.

BY TAYLOR

Red as Roses
Black as night
no one wins this fight tonight
love is dead
high as a kite
people die to win this fight
dead as dead
love no more
were at the core
when they say roar
i think of it more
people are hurting
never before
time is stopping
its time to change
come on baby
no more fear
aching in pain
shaking & shaking
its almost here
wipe those tears
its just a dream
or a crazy nightmare
~Taylor

the true meaning of Valentine's Day by Justina

Today is Valentine's Day of 2011. Hooooolay.

I typically use my birthday to attempt reflecting the last year of my life. You know, just really check in with myself. Ask myself the BIG questions; "How are you really doing playing this game called life?" This year however I have been doing it more than just on that special occasion.
Today I find myself asking me, "Just how are you doing loving yourself Justina, and how about the people around you? What is going on with the big L word you love to preach about?
***********************WARNING**************WARNING************WARNING*******

(This is a pity party of sorts and this entry will include many low blows and frequent use of common foul language of the English language. Cursing will be used with the intent of exaggerating and decorating as to keep reader interested and make tears fall harder.)

So, as this is Valentine's Day and I am asking these questions of myself, the answer hurts my feelings.

In the last year I have:
Left my daughter
Left my eldest son, watching him walk away homeless.
Left my husband
Lost my aunt to lung cancer, watched her go.
Left my Fayetteville Family
Left my best friend
Left my lover
Left my house

Left my job
Lost the trust of many, earned the trust of some.
Left my home and stayed away for too long
Left the me that I thought was her.

I fell down on my knees and begged for forgiveness, I promised I'd work on doing much more listening, to hear Her direction rather than going my way until She had to beat me over the head with a stick (figurative).
I asked the Creator to please, allow me to open my heart as to allow Her to live through me. I vowed to learn how to hear Her wisdom, become aware of Her intuition that guides me.

~All the billions of cells my body is created of, choose to work together so efficiently that the moment I tell them with my thoughts to move a finger, all the cells necessary listen and act. WOW. Honestly blows me away to realize how amazing I am when I really think about it, and even more so as I write it. WOW.~

Everyday it's getting better. Because I am becoming aware, we are realizing ourselves. I am going to humbly list all of the things I have done this year for myself (it's always about myself) and because I listed the sad things I've done and the purpose of me sharing my wild thoughts is to enlighten, empower, and create.
I have;
Began a new relationship with my children.
Practiced yoga
Went running
Became a volunteer x3
Learned to find the nutrition my body deserves
Became smoke free
Created a drum bag out of recycled material for a friend  :) I am working on my first order of 40!
Created a blog to share love
Created the LIFE project

a project that will change the world as we know it. A community of humans that are empowered, enlightened, and creative. Humans that have access to only healthy foods, together can feed the world. 

Moved to the mountains with the things that fit in my trunk.
Found a peaceful place and I listened.
Learned some good life tools
Got some good life recipes.
Learned how to feed my soul, cherish this vessel,treat it right, and love it!
Honor it's amazingness :)
I realized it is important for me to go back home to Alaska and learn much, much, much more.
I became aware that everything is already in place there, the people are ready, the plan is set in place.
I learned that me is really we.

This is what I must do to continue on this path;

Love myself a little more every moment
Feed myself, as I wish to be fed mentally, physically, emotionally, and creatively
Work myself so that I feel excited to get up everyday, doing exactly what I am here to do, with a passion one only gets from doing what she loves, for her people; the humans.
Be kind to myself and others.  

We are young, we are learning. There is no way I could change what I wasn't aware of. The habit of beating ourselves up with our thoughts has been created over 1,000's (possibly billions ) of years, we are only now becoming aware of ourselves

BE NICE. It will take time to create new habits,
REMEMBER all we can do is our best, moment to moment.

Together we are going to create an environment that loves.
Together.

xoxo
Justina
p.s.
I realized how simple it is to sort my thoughts and come back from the mental slavery I find myself in by writing. Life is stressful, seems to be for everyone I know, I understand and accept that. I often struggle with finding myself making things harder for the people I love and lacking understanding. I wonder how I can be going through many big life changes while creating many helpful solutions and still beat myself up for not doing enough? for not loving enough?
 Please pray for more grace and understanding, tolerance, and love.

full circle

wow. This summer, it will be 10 years since all of this (crazy) started. Amazing how time goes by. I guess I have been saying 5 years ago for about 5 years.

One of my first memories of crazy was having memories. Until this time, I really didn't not have any real memories of being a child. I started having dreams and flash backs of random weird stuff from childhood. I felt like I was remembering because I was finally comfortable in my own skin and my marriage, that my mind decided it was a good time to go through the pile of things I couldn't understand.  Every morning I was waking up from another memory. It was scary but it felt good after reliving the moment, forgiving and letting go. It was obviously what needed to be done. I soon realized the way I remembered this stuff was from a small child's perspective and the memories needed to see the situations through new compassionate eyes. It was apparent that I used a defense mechanism called throw it in a pile and move on. This pile was now enormous and insisted on being sorted. (I believe this is called bi-polar by pharmaceutical companies)

Soon after all of this started, Bill got orders to go to Afghanistan. This news was alarming, I really counted on Bill being there when I woke up, often in tears or intense fear. We decided going to therapy was necessary, I needed someone to talk through this stuff through. Within the first couple sessions, the therapist informed me that my memories were coming back because I have a daughter the same age I was when things fell apart. Taylor was 5 at the time, my parents divorced when I was 6. Just the way she moved her hand, or the questions of her mind were enough to trigger my 5 year old self. This discovery was also the alarm to how I was raising her. I was unconsciously forcing her to learn the things that I tribute to my survival.
I remember laying in bed, telling Bill that I really wanted to know what kinds of things were in the pile. The defense mechanism was now an ingrained habit, it would grab random moments (minutes-years) and throw them in the pile, didn't distinguish between good/bad anymore. Just a smell or a sound would tell my mind to pretend it never happened. I believed there was nothing in that pile so bad that I couldn't forgive and let go. I wanted to remember my life and the lives of my children. I gave myself permission to go in, then and there.

It wasn't long before I was prescibed pharmaceutical drugs, was told and believed  I was crazy and would never again be sane.  The drugs caused me to become numb to life and content with living a groundhog day kind of life. My mind, soul, and body stopped growing, quit learning, forgot about dreaming and the importance of remembering. I stayed this way on the drugs for a few years.

Half way through this self discovery, my life hit a slippery spot and went on a tail spin. Both my grandfather, (who was the male figure in my life from 5-12) and my father (from 13-25) passed away within 30 days of each other. I found myself 25 years old with no foundation in a belief system at all. I had no idea where they might have gone, no faith at all in their peace.
I stopped the pharmaceuticals cold turkey, I wanted my life back. Crazy or not, living was the choice I made.
This really sent me on a mission for some questions and some answers. What is it that I really believe?
This is a BIG question. When you ask BIG questions, the universe (God) will provide BIG answers.

10 years later, I believe the pile is sorted. All is forgiven, accepted and let go.
I am able to live in the here and now, smiling.

She's free!

Being ruled and controlled by an addiction has the ability to rule and control old thought processes. Smoking everyday @ the same times in the same places keep my thoughts running through the same circles. They stopped when I stopped.

"the only way to change something is to love it just the way it is"

Taking this approach in finally letting go of the habit, I started paying attention to the reasons I LOVE smoking. 

#1. Smoking requires us to stop whatever it is we are doing (a great excuse usually), go outside, and take 10-20 deep breathes. Didn't matter that these were smoke filled breathes, deep breathes all the same.

#2. Let's admit it, smokers are typically cool people, and deep thinkers. Going to the smoker's corner, you're sure to find a friendly companion. Meeting other smokers outside is easy, we already have something in common, we are considered outcasts by our addiction, we relate to each immediately. 

#3. Smoking tells others that I do not conform to the rules, I do things others do not approve of, I live outside the box. 

#4. Cigarettes have been the ONLY consistent thing in my life. They have become my friend. They have been beside me through all of my ups, downs, and in between for 23 years!  - pregnancies and nursing.

Accepting the reasons I love smoking allows me to put new habits in their place. 

#1. Take breaks,  stop often and take deep breathes. Go outside and take some fresh air breaks. Separate myself from what ever is going on and re-evaluate myself and my surroundings. Meditate. 

#2. Engage myself in conversations with people around me. Realize that everyone has something in common, we are sharing the human experience. We all love meeting new friends. Say hi :)

#3. I live my life outside the box, in MANY other ways than an addiction. I pride myself in my uniqueness and love to express it. (besides, cigarette addiction is becoming the norm and I am certainly not trying to be part of the norm in today's society.

#4 Smoking my problems away is really just procrastinating them. I am in the business of making love. In order to get there, I must be able to take an "issue", process it, and let it go. Smoking just shoves it somewhere in my body and I feel it later as a  physical pain.   I have a mind, great friends, new habits, and a therapist. I no longer have a use for cigarettes, I have replaced them.

In order to continue smoking, a language has been created. "trying to quit" is an impossible circle to break free from. You will be constantly "trying". 

Find a language that actually works for you. Instead of trying, I focused on being free. Each time the thought crossed my mind I said to myself and those around me... "I am proud/happy to be free from an addiction". I reminded myself that my family is proud to be free from the smoke that was a part of their lives. 

I learned a really cool way to keep on during a yoga class. While in a strenuous pose for what some may call tooooo long, the instructor taught us to ask our bodies if we should continue. This is AMAZING. If you ask your heart or lungs if they want to continue in this pose, they will smile and reassure you that you can do it! The moment you ask your head (ego) it will loudly protest. Your ego will tell you to stop this exercise immediately and go get a cigarette and a donut. 

The same with anything and everything. When my ego speaks out for "just one drag", I stop myself and ask parts of my body, I ask my family. This keeps me on the path I chose, addiction free. 

It's been 21 days. Some say this is the magic number. All the nicotine is out of my system, the habit is officially broken, I am free. Chains gone. 

P.S The last final step I took before actually quitting was letting go of my purse. One night, I dumped everything out and really looked at it. What is really necessary for me to carry around everywhere, everyday, through everything? Nothing was the answer. Once I let go of carrying stuff (cigarettes) around, it was much easier. There is nothing I need RIGHT NOW. I can go out to my glove box for lotion and chap-stick. I can ask the lady at the register for a pen (great conversation starter). Leaving my wallet in the car helps make a clear choice on purchases. The only reason I really carried a purse was to carry my cigarettes concealed. Indirectly free of two habits that no longer serve me. 

Best of all, I smell good :) 

xoxo Happy New Year, 

Cheers, to our best year yet!

Justina