wow. This summer, it will be 10 years since all of this (crazy) started. Amazing how time goes by. I guess I have been saying 5 years ago for about 5 years.
One of my first memories of crazy was having memories. Until this time, I really didn't not have any real memories of being a child. I started having dreams and flash backs of random weird stuff from childhood. I felt like I was remembering because I was finally comfortable in my own skin and my marriage, that my mind decided it was a good time to go through the pile of things I couldn't understand. Every morning I was waking up from another memory. It was scary but it felt good after reliving the moment, forgiving and letting go. It was obviously what needed to be done. I soon realized the way I remembered this stuff was from a small child's perspective and the memories needed to see the situations through new compassionate eyes. It was apparent that I used a defense mechanism called throw it in a pile and move on. This pile was now enormous and insisted on being sorted. (I believe this is called bi-polar by pharmaceutical companies)
Soon after all of this started, Bill got orders to go to Afghanistan. This news was alarming, I really counted on Bill being there when I woke up, often in tears or intense fear. We decided going to therapy was necessary, I needed someone to talk through this stuff through. Within the first couple sessions, the therapist informed me that my memories were coming back because I have a daughter the same age I was when things fell apart. Taylor was 5 at the time, my parents divorced when I was 6. Just the way she moved her hand, or the questions of her mind were enough to trigger my 5 year old self. This discovery was also the alarm to how I was raising her. I was unconsciously forcing her to learn the things that I tribute to my survival.
I remember laying in bed, telling Bill that I really wanted to know what kinds of things were in the pile. The defense mechanism was now an ingrained habit, it would grab random moments (minutes-years) and throw them in the pile, didn't distinguish between good/bad anymore. Just a smell or a sound would tell my mind to pretend it never happened. I believed there was nothing in that pile so bad that I couldn't forgive and let go. I wanted to remember my life and the lives of my children. I gave myself permission to go in, then and there.
It wasn't long before I was prescibed pharmaceutical drugs, was told and believed I was crazy and would never again be sane. The drugs caused me to become numb to life and content with living a groundhog day kind of life. My mind, soul, and body stopped growing, quit learning, forgot about dreaming and the importance of remembering. I stayed this way on the drugs for a few years.
Half way through this self discovery, my life hit a slippery spot and went on a tail spin. Both my grandfather, (who was the male figure in my life from 5-12) and my father (from 13-25) passed away within 30 days of each other. I found myself 25 years old with no foundation in a belief system at all. I had no idea where they might have gone, no faith at all in their peace.
I stopped the pharmaceuticals cold turkey, I wanted my life back. Crazy or not, living was the choice I made.
This really sent me on a mission for some questions and some answers. What is it that I really believe?
This is a BIG question. When you ask BIG questions, the universe (God) will provide BIG answers.
10 years later, I believe the pile is sorted. All is forgiven, accepted and let go.
I am able to live in the here and now, smiling.
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ReplyDeleteI was raised up in a Dysfunctional home yet I still smiled at the world because I loved my Parents. But, somehow after I gain KNOWLEDGE about Myself and Everyone living in this world- this gave me a "Choice" to either change myself or continue a life just like my parents. ITS IMPORTANT THAT YOU UNDERSTAND MANKIND'S IMPERFECTIONS AND FAULTS - because there is still IGNORANCE coming from People who don't understand "Life's Complications".
ReplyDeleteDysfunctional people will always have more problems in Life - because We have MORE obstacles to overcome in Life.
Take Care.
...cont.
ReplyDeleteIn reference to my thought posted (above), here is some useful Information (below) that I found while networking:
It is widely acknowledged that the effect that our family and chosen role model's has upon us is fundamental to our individual development.
In a dysfunctional or psychologically unhealthy family we inherit or develop negative roles or defense mechanisms that we can become trapped in. These are often manifested most when under stress or in a crisis situation where our learned defense mechanisms become effective.
In contrast to functional or healthy families that foster positive development where trust, love and honest, open relationships thrive, dysfunctional families may produce insecurities and stop ‘normal’ development.
Commonly one or more members of the family, either parents or child will have some problem that affects the rest of the unit. They may be alcoholic, abusive, absent, neglectful, or possess some other disorder.
As in any family there is likely to be at least one ‘healthy’ individual who tries to compensate for the failings of those around them.
...cont.
ReplyDelete*The hero role -- is taken up to try and solve the problems in the short-term, by deflating the situation feeling that the issue has been dealt with. In reality the problem will probably still exist and the heroes will constantly find themselves fighting against it, taking on needless responsibility and feelings of inadequacy.
*The scapegoat believes -- that they are the cause of the problem(s) and develop complex defense mechanisms to combat these feelings, they may shun personal relationships, rebel against perceived threats including family and adopt feelings of guilt and shame.
*The lost child -- prefers to ignore the immediate situation and withdraw into a safe personal world in which no one can disturb them, isolating themselves from meaningful relationships.
*The mascot becomes -- a distraction, often apt at social situations and entertaining they prevent people from focusing upon the problem believing that it will solve itself rather than deal with painful tasks.
Above comments were written by Juliana Smith on Face book. Check her out.
ReplyDelete