full circle

wow. This summer, it will be 10 years since all of this (crazy) started. Amazing how time goes by. I guess I have been saying 5 years ago for about 5 years.

One of my first memories of crazy was having memories. Until this time, I really didn't not have any real memories of being a child. I started having dreams and flash backs of random weird stuff from childhood. I felt like I was remembering because I was finally comfortable in my own skin and my marriage, that my mind decided it was a good time to go through the pile of things I couldn't understand.  Every morning I was waking up from another memory. It was scary but it felt good after reliving the moment, forgiving and letting go. It was obviously what needed to be done. I soon realized the way I remembered this stuff was from a small child's perspective and the memories needed to see the situations through new compassionate eyes. It was apparent that I used a defense mechanism called throw it in a pile and move on. This pile was now enormous and insisted on being sorted. (I believe this is called bi-polar by pharmaceutical companies)

Soon after all of this started, Bill got orders to go to Afghanistan. This news was alarming, I really counted on Bill being there when I woke up, often in tears or intense fear. We decided going to therapy was necessary, I needed someone to talk through this stuff through. Within the first couple sessions, the therapist informed me that my memories were coming back because I have a daughter the same age I was when things fell apart. Taylor was 5 at the time, my parents divorced when I was 6. Just the way she moved her hand, or the questions of her mind were enough to trigger my 5 year old self. This discovery was also the alarm to how I was raising her. I was unconsciously forcing her to learn the things that I tribute to my survival.
I remember laying in bed, telling Bill that I really wanted to know what kinds of things were in the pile. The defense mechanism was now an ingrained habit, it would grab random moments (minutes-years) and throw them in the pile, didn't distinguish between good/bad anymore. Just a smell or a sound would tell my mind to pretend it never happened. I believed there was nothing in that pile so bad that I couldn't forgive and let go. I wanted to remember my life and the lives of my children. I gave myself permission to go in, then and there.

It wasn't long before I was prescibed pharmaceutical drugs, was told and believed  I was crazy and would never again be sane.  The drugs caused me to become numb to life and content with living a groundhog day kind of life. My mind, soul, and body stopped growing, quit learning, forgot about dreaming and the importance of remembering. I stayed this way on the drugs for a few years.

Half way through this self discovery, my life hit a slippery spot and went on a tail spin. Both my grandfather, (who was the male figure in my life from 5-12) and my father (from 13-25) passed away within 30 days of each other. I found myself 25 years old with no foundation in a belief system at all. I had no idea where they might have gone, no faith at all in their peace.
I stopped the pharmaceuticals cold turkey, I wanted my life back. Crazy or not, living was the choice I made.
This really sent me on a mission for some questions and some answers. What is it that I really believe?
This is a BIG question. When you ask BIG questions, the universe (God) will provide BIG answers.

10 years later, I believe the pile is sorted. All is forgiven, accepted and let go.
I am able to live in the here and now, smiling.

She's free!

Being ruled and controlled by an addiction has the ability to rule and control old thought processes. Smoking everyday @ the same times in the same places keep my thoughts running through the same circles. They stopped when I stopped.

"the only way to change something is to love it just the way it is"

Taking this approach in finally letting go of the habit, I started paying attention to the reasons I LOVE smoking. 

#1. Smoking requires us to stop whatever it is we are doing (a great excuse usually), go outside, and take 10-20 deep breathes. Didn't matter that these were smoke filled breathes, deep breathes all the same.

#2. Let's admit it, smokers are typically cool people, and deep thinkers. Going to the smoker's corner, you're sure to find a friendly companion. Meeting other smokers outside is easy, we already have something in common, we are considered outcasts by our addiction, we relate to each immediately. 

#3. Smoking tells others that I do not conform to the rules, I do things others do not approve of, I live outside the box. 

#4. Cigarettes have been the ONLY consistent thing in my life. They have become my friend. They have been beside me through all of my ups, downs, and in between for 23 years!  - pregnancies and nursing.

Accepting the reasons I love smoking allows me to put new habits in their place. 

#1. Take breaks,  stop often and take deep breathes. Go outside and take some fresh air breaks. Separate myself from what ever is going on and re-evaluate myself and my surroundings. Meditate. 

#2. Engage myself in conversations with people around me. Realize that everyone has something in common, we are sharing the human experience. We all love meeting new friends. Say hi :)

#3. I live my life outside the box, in MANY other ways than an addiction. I pride myself in my uniqueness and love to express it. (besides, cigarette addiction is becoming the norm and I am certainly not trying to be part of the norm in today's society.

#4 Smoking my problems away is really just procrastinating them. I am in the business of making love. In order to get there, I must be able to take an "issue", process it, and let it go. Smoking just shoves it somewhere in my body and I feel it later as a  physical pain.   I have a mind, great friends, new habits, and a therapist. I no longer have a use for cigarettes, I have replaced them.

In order to continue smoking, a language has been created. "trying to quit" is an impossible circle to break free from. You will be constantly "trying". 

Find a language that actually works for you. Instead of trying, I focused on being free. Each time the thought crossed my mind I said to myself and those around me... "I am proud/happy to be free from an addiction". I reminded myself that my family is proud to be free from the smoke that was a part of their lives. 

I learned a really cool way to keep on during a yoga class. While in a strenuous pose for what some may call tooooo long, the instructor taught us to ask our bodies if we should continue. This is AMAZING. If you ask your heart or lungs if they want to continue in this pose, they will smile and reassure you that you can do it! The moment you ask your head (ego) it will loudly protest. Your ego will tell you to stop this exercise immediately and go get a cigarette and a donut. 

The same with anything and everything. When my ego speaks out for "just one drag", I stop myself and ask parts of my body, I ask my family. This keeps me on the path I chose, addiction free. 

It's been 21 days. Some say this is the magic number. All the nicotine is out of my system, the habit is officially broken, I am free. Chains gone. 

P.S The last final step I took before actually quitting was letting go of my purse. One night, I dumped everything out and really looked at it. What is really necessary for me to carry around everywhere, everyday, through everything? Nothing was the answer. Once I let go of carrying stuff (cigarettes) around, it was much easier. There is nothing I need RIGHT NOW. I can go out to my glove box for lotion and chap-stick. I can ask the lady at the register for a pen (great conversation starter). Leaving my wallet in the car helps make a clear choice on purchases. The only reason I really carried a purse was to carry my cigarettes concealed. Indirectly free of two habits that no longer serve me. 

Best of all, I smell good :) 

xoxo Happy New Year, 

Cheers, to our best year yet!

Justina