a letter to my son Adrian

It's odd that it's taken so long to realize a letter sure would be an effective form of communication for us.
I love to see the words, they are completely malleable at this stage. I can change them if I need to, before they become my truth, in your mind.
Before the idea of this letter, I had been asking for a way to apologise to you Adrian.

What a wild experience, finding myself the mother of a 20 year old son that I've forgotten how to have a relationship with. It's ironic to me, actually it's a huge "real"ization of; you only see what your willing to see. I spent the first days of your existence writing letters to you. Everyday I'd write to you, about everything. My first child, my first true love, my baby. Here I am, writing my first real letter in years, and years.
A letter of gratitude and a letter of deep, sorrowful apologies and more love than could ever possibly be put into mere words.
All the personalities and souls that exist within me (we call Justina) are here, standing impatiently for their  "side" of this story of us... Adrian and his mom.
In my quest to find myself, I found one thing that applies to everything as one.
It is love, or the cry for love.
It seems like you and I have been crying for love or to learn how to love for a long, long, long time.
Where do you go to learn how to love, even ourselves if no one we know knows how? What do you say when none of the words we know speak the language of our hearts? Where do you go when your not sure of the way? How do I say; I'm sorry, I'm not sure where I lost you but I am determined I'll find the way, I know that everything is going to be alright.
We go inside. We remember our own heart.

Somewhere along the path & more than likely there were many different places, I lost faith in us, in our love.
I was a coward.
In order to become that, I first believed what I was told, I lived the story I was given and believed.
I am beginning to understand and believe that everything happens for a reason. To help us wake up to specific realizations that will in turn create a picture larger than our human understanding. But, I also believe that you can choose the hard way, or, the less hard way.
In my experience so far, that means we must communicate = find a way to express our hearts in order to make things most enjoyable, gratifying, and loving as possible.
Walking away dropped the ball for all of us in communicating. It also enabled many of our strengths to come forward and be known.

Never, in my wildest dreams would I ever want to become the crazy, angry mom who doesn't know how to have an enjoyable relationship with her son. Living the part in this story is breaking our hearts and it is time to move on.
It is important now for us to find a way to forgive ourselves and each other for the millions of heartaches we have suffered and find a way to share our love with each other. I will stop being circumstantial & focus on our health: emotionally, spiritually, physically, and connectively. Together, as a whole, our family is amazing.
You are the smartest person I know.
I'm excited to concentrate on our strengths, our passions,the things that make us go hmmmmm, and the things that take our breathe away & that make our hearts beat fast & put our muscles to the test & our love out front and forward.
When we walk away from another fantastic experience, our bond will be apparent in everything for miles around.

I'm achingly sorry for the hurts I've caused and the pain I've put you through and the gallons of tears I've caused you to shed, alone. I'm sorry for all the nights I've missed snuggling you, and helping you, and learning from you, and teaching you, and hearing you, and laughing with you, and enjoying the beautiful, amazing son I have in you.

For the rest of my earthly days and the eternity after that Adrian Ralph, I will be showing you how grateful I am for your existence in my little world.

I love you, MTICS,
all ways,
always,
Mom.

12.12.11

It is time for the words to come thru this perfect human vessel they call Justina. What a creature eh? Born & raised, just like this. Possiblilites pouring forth. The universe showing me 100's of roads I may take, maye all the roads I AM taking, each completely possible simutaneously. Cool word.
Visions of working @ the health food sore, meeting lots of people in an environment of like minds, talking about the very thing I encompass in my life consistantlly and importantly, my health, our health, the health of this planet. Health=Wealth.
A pay check and discounts=big pluses. <3
Surrogacy. <3 Really super excited about doing this. Super excited about the people this decision is pulling toward me. How exciting. To feel a baby inside me, now that I am aware of myself gives me goosebumps to realize, soon, this will be a reality.
I love that I have always known I would one day do this. I love that it explains how I knew I would one day, deliver twins :) Exciting. I can feel the energy of the parents out there, wakin gup everyday, wondering if today is the day they will find out a baby is in the works. Just to be ther bearer of the news much less the bearer of a child. Ther perceptions (tthe things I pay attention to) that led me to this are much like the life that brought me to realize my whole life I've been learning to love Bill. I've been living to become a baby home for couples that have been longing to share their lives with an awareness miracle. YAY!

<3 Singing. singer. Sings. <3
Sometimes, my voice gives me goosebumps & I realize that I am only ever truly happy & completely free & simply me, when I am singing. Singing from deep down in the depths of my soul, generations & lifetimes breaking through, as I sing, for you.
I am, I do, I give & I receive, I laugh & I cry.
We are.

Weird. I remember saying the words as I gave myself away in my belief, in my mind.
I don't have a clue why, as to remind me, as important & urgent & even life threatening as it may seem @ the time, this too shall pass.
I gave it up, as I gave up island living.

1. couldn't live without "it".
2. Lived without "it".
3 Appreciate "it" now, more than ever before.
=Bill, the island, my family, my laughter, my voice, being a mother, intimacy, love....
Working toward selling this house, the next chapter is waiting.
Take the time to do that while singing as a first step.

The next step will appear as you make the movement toward it.

xoxo
Justina

working on a new visual board :)

CLARITY
able abstract abundance abundant acceptance acknowledge activating active adequate align allow angels appreciative appropriate ascension assist atonement attractive aura authentic available awaken aware awe

balancing be beautiful belief believe best big blessed blessing bliss bloom buoyant


calm care celebratory certain channel charitable choice chosen clear cleansing close co-creator coherent collective comfortable commitment community compassionate complete compliant concern confident connection conscious considerate content contentment contributing courage create creation creative cycle


dance decide delightful discharge divine divinity dwell dynamic

ease ecstasy effective elevated emotional empowered encompassing encouraging endless energetic energy engaged enjoy enlightened equality essential eternal eternity ethic everlasting evolutionary evolving exact exciting exploration expressive extension

faithful fantastic feel flow focused force forgiving foundation frequency full fulfilling

genuine gift giving glad global Glory God good gracious grateful gratifying gratitude great_full group growth guidance

harmonic harmonious healing healthy hear heart heaven hierarchy helpful here high high-frequency Holy home honored hope humankind humble humor

idealistic immediate immortal impersonal indivisible influential innocent inside inspirational integrated integrity intelligence intended interactive internal intimate intuition intuitive invigorating invincible invoking is

journey Joy joyful joyous just justice

kind Kingdom know knowledge

laugh learning let-go life light listening live logical love loving loyal lucid

macro manifest maturation meaningful meditating mindful miraculous mission moral motion  motivating multi-sensory mutual

natural now nurturing nutrition

One open opportunity organized our

partnership passionate path patient peaceful perceiving perceptive perfection playful positive possible potent powerful pray precise presence present process profound protective provide providing pure purity purposeful

quality quantum

radiate real reality realize receiving receptive reciprocal reflective rejoice relationship relax releasing remembering resilient responsible restore reverence revival rich rise rhythm

sacred safe satisfied secure security seeking sensible servicing simple soul source special specific spirit spiritual steps still strength strive strong super supportive sustainable sweet symbolic synchronized

teaching thoughtful to together toward tranquil transforming true truth understanding

unique uniting unity universal universe unlimited unseen up

value vertical vigilant vision visionary

walk water we well-being white whole will wisdom with within witness wonderful worldly worthy


CONFUSION

abandonment absence absent abusive accidental aching acquiescent addictive afraid against agitated alien annihilation anxiety anxious arrogant artificial assuming astray attacking attitude authoritative away

banished behind bewildered bias black blaming blind blocked bored breakdown brief brutality


chaotic closed cold competitive compliant conditional conflicting conformity contaminated contradictory controlling corrupt crazy

damaging damned dark dead deceiving deceptive defensive delay delusional denial dense dependant depressed deprived desire despair desperate destructive devastated different difficult disappointing discombobulated discriminating disorder disregarded dissociated distant distorted distressing disturbed divided dominate dormant doubt down drugged duress

ego egoism eluding embarrassing emptiness ending enveloped erroneous escape evil exaggerated excluded external extorted extreme

fabricated facade failure fake fantasy fear fell five-sensory  fluctuating forced forceful fornication  fragmented frantic frustrating future

gain gluttonous gossip grandiosity grasping greedy grief guilt

hallucination harmful harsh hate havoc heaviness horizontal hunger hurt

I idle ignorant illusion imaginary imagined imbalanced impaired impatient imposing impossible imprisoned impulsive inadequate incapable individual indulgent insane insanity insatiable insecure insistent interfering intimidating irrational irresponsible

jealousy judgemental jumbled

kept kill kinked

lacking lies limited limiting linear lingering little lonely longing loss low lower-frequency

magic manipulated martyr matter meaningless messy micro mindless more mortal

needy negative nightmarish noisy nonexistent nonsense

obedient obligating obscure opposing overwhelming

pain panicky partiality passive past patterns perplexed personal pitfall planning poor possessive power powerless pressing pressure prevailing prideful problematic profound projection property protective punishing

questionable

unconscious unreal


rage reacting refusing rejection resentment restraining restricted retracted ruin rule


sacrificial scattered secret seduction selfish separate serious shame sick situational sleep sorrow splintered split survival stingy stressful striving stumbling submission suffering suspect suspicious swindling


take talkative temptation terror threatening time tomorrow torn torture total trauma treacherous tricky tyranny


unconscious unfair unnecessary urgent 

vicious victimized violent vulnerable

wanting wanton war weak wishing withdrawn worry wrong