It's odd that it's taken so long to realize a letter sure would be an effective form of communication for us.
I love to see the words, they are completely malleable at this stage. I can change them if I need to, before they become my truth, in your mind.
Before the idea of this letter, I had been asking for a way to apologise to you Adrian.
What a wild experience, finding myself the mother of a 20 year old son that I've forgotten how to have a relationship with. It's ironic to me, actually it's a huge "real"ization of; you only see what your willing to see. I spent the first days of your existence writing letters to you. Everyday I'd write to you, about everything. My first child, my first true love, my baby. Here I am, writing my first real letter in years, and years.
A letter of gratitude and a letter of deep, sorrowful apologies and more love than could ever possibly be put into mere words.
All the personalities and souls that exist within me (we call Justina) are here, standing impatiently for their "side" of this story of us... Adrian and his mom.
In my quest to find myself, I found one thing that applies to everything as one.
It is love, or the cry for love.
It seems like you and I have been crying for love or to learn how to love for a long, long, long time.
Where do you go to learn how to love, even ourselves if no one we know knows how? What do you say when none of the words we know speak the language of our hearts? Where do you go when your not sure of the way? How do I say; I'm sorry, I'm not sure where I lost you but I am determined I'll find the way, I know that everything is going to be alright.
We go inside. We remember our own heart.
Somewhere along the path & more than likely there were many different places, I lost faith in us, in our love.
I was a coward.
In order to become that, I first believed what I was told, I lived the story I was given and believed.
I am beginning to understand and believe that everything happens for a reason. To help us wake up to specific realizations that will in turn create a picture larger than our human understanding. But, I also believe that you can choose the hard way, or, the less hard way.
In my experience so far, that means we must communicate = find a way to express our hearts in order to make things most enjoyable, gratifying, and loving as possible.
Walking away dropped the ball for all of us in communicating. It also enabled many of our strengths to come forward and be known.
Never, in my wildest dreams would I ever want to become the crazy, angry mom who doesn't know how to have an enjoyable relationship with her son. Living the part in this story is breaking our hearts and it is time to move on.
It is important now for us to find a way to forgive ourselves and each other for the millions of heartaches we have suffered and find a way to share our love with each other. I will stop being circumstantial & focus on our health: emotionally, spiritually, physically, and connectively. Together, as a whole, our family is amazing.
You are the smartest person I know.
I'm excited to concentrate on our strengths, our passions,the things that make us go hmmmmm, and the things that take our breathe away & that make our hearts beat fast & put our muscles to the test & our love out front and forward.
When we walk away from another fantastic experience, our bond will be apparent in everything for miles around.
I'm achingly sorry for the hurts I've caused and the pain I've put you through and the gallons of tears I've caused you to shed, alone. I'm sorry for all the nights I've missed snuggling you, and helping you, and learning from you, and teaching you, and hearing you, and laughing with you, and enjoying the beautiful, amazing son I have in you.
For the rest of my earthly days and the eternity after that Adrian Ralph, I will be showing you how grateful I am for your existence in my little world.
I love you, MTICS,
all ways,
always,
Mom.
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