Red as Roses
Black as night
no one wins this fight tonight
love is dead
high as a kite
people die to win this fight
dead as dead
love no more
were at the core
when they say roar
i think of it more
people are hurting
never before
time is stopping
its time to change
come on baby
no more fear
aching in pain
shaking & shaking
its almost here
wipe those tears
its just a dream
or a crazy nightmare
~Taylor
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Monday, February 14, 2011
the true meaning of Valentine's Day by Justina
Today is Valentine's Day of 2011. Hooooolay.
I typically use my birthday to attempt reflecting the last year of my life. You know, just really check in with myself. Ask myself the BIG questions; "How are you really doing playing this game called life?" This year however I have been doing it more than just on that special occasion.
Today I find myself asking me, "Just how are you doing loving yourself Justina, and how about the people around you? What is going on with the big L word you love to preach about?
***********************WARNING**************WARNING************WARNING*******
So, as this is Valentine's Day and I am asking these questions of myself, the answer hurts my feelings.
In the last year I have:
Left my daughter
Left my eldest son, watching him walk away homeless.
Left my husband
Lost my aunt to lung cancer, watched her go.
Left my Fayetteville Family
Left my best friend
Left my lover
Left my house
Left my job
Lost the trust of many, earned the trust of some.
Left my home and stayed away for too long
Left the me that I thought was her.
I fell down on my knees and begged for forgiveness, I promised I'd work on doing much more listening, to hear Her direction rather than going my way until She had to beat me over the head with a stick (figurative).
I asked the Creator to please, allow me to open my heart as to allow Her to live through me. I vowed to learn how to hear Her wisdom, become aware of Her intuition that guides me.
Everyday it's getting better. Because I am becoming aware, we are realizing ourselves. I am going to humbly list all of the things I have done this year for myself (it's always about myself) and because I listed the sad things I've done and the purpose of me sharing my wild thoughts is to enlighten, empower, and create.
I have;
Began a new relationship with my children.
Practiced yoga
Went running
Became a volunteer x3
Learned to find the nutrition my body deserves
Became smoke free
Created a drum bag out of recycled material for a friend :) I am working on my first order of 40!
Created a blog to share love
Created the LIFE project
Found a peaceful place and I listened.
Learned some good life tools
Got some good life recipes.
Learned how to feed my soul, cherish this vessel,treat it right, and love it!
Honor it's amazingness :)
I realized it is important for me to go back home to Alaska and learn much, much, much more.
I became aware that everything is already in place there, the people are ready, the plan is set in place.
I learned that me is really we.
This is what I must do to continue on this path;
Love myself a little more every moment
Feed myself, as I wish to be fed mentally, physically, emotionally, and creatively
Work myself so that I feel excited to get up everyday, doing exactly what I am here to do, with a passion one only gets from doing what she loves, for her people; the humans.
Be kind to myself and others.
BE NICE. It will take time to create new habits,
REMEMBER all we can do is our best, moment to moment.
Together we are going to create an environment that loves.
Together.
xoxo
Justina
p.s.
I realized how simple it is to sort my thoughts and come back from the mental slavery I find myself in by writing. Life is stressful, seems to be for everyone I know, I understand and accept that. I often struggle with finding myself making things harder for the people I love and lacking understanding. I wonder how I can be going through many big life changes while creating many helpful solutions and still beat myself up for not doing enough? for not loving enough?
Please pray for more grace and understanding, tolerance, and love.
I typically use my birthday to attempt reflecting the last year of my life. You know, just really check in with myself. Ask myself the BIG questions; "How are you really doing playing this game called life?" This year however I have been doing it more than just on that special occasion.
Today I find myself asking me, "Just how are you doing loving yourself Justina, and how about the people around you? What is going on with the big L word you love to preach about?
***********************WARNING**************WARNING************WARNING*******
(This is a pity party of sorts and this entry will include many low blows and frequent use of common foul language of the English language. Cursing will be used with the intent of exaggerating and decorating as to keep reader interested and make tears fall harder.)
So, as this is Valentine's Day and I am asking these questions of myself, the answer hurts my feelings.
In the last year I have:
Left my daughter
Left my eldest son, watching him walk away homeless.
Left my husband
Lost my aunt to lung cancer, watched her go.
Left my Fayetteville Family
Left my best friend
Left my lover
Left my house
Left my job
Lost the trust of many, earned the trust of some.
Left my home and stayed away for too long
Left the me that I thought was her.
I fell down on my knees and begged for forgiveness, I promised I'd work on doing much more listening, to hear Her direction rather than going my way until She had to beat me over the head with a stick (figurative).
I asked the Creator to please, allow me to open my heart as to allow Her to live through me. I vowed to learn how to hear Her wisdom, become aware of Her intuition that guides me.
~All the billions of cells my body is created of, choose to work together so efficiently that the moment I tell them with my thoughts to move a finger, all the cells necessary listen and act. WOW. Honestly blows me away to realize how amazing I am when I really think about it, and even more so as I write it. WOW.~
Everyday it's getting better. Because I am becoming aware, we are realizing ourselves. I am going to humbly list all of the things I have done this year for myself (it's always about myself) and because I listed the sad things I've done and the purpose of me sharing my wild thoughts is to enlighten, empower, and create.
I have;
Began a new relationship with my children.
Practiced yoga
Went running
Became a volunteer x3
Learned to find the nutrition my body deserves
Became smoke free
Created a drum bag out of recycled material for a friend :) I am working on my first order of 40!
Created a blog to share love
Created the LIFE project
a project that will change the world as we know it. A community of humans that are empowered, enlightened, and creative. Humans that have access to only healthy foods, together can feed the world.
Moved to the mountains with the things that fit in my trunk.Found a peaceful place and I listened.
Learned some good life tools
Got some good life recipes.
Learned how to feed my soul, cherish this vessel,treat it right, and love it!
Honor it's amazingness :)
I realized it is important for me to go back home to Alaska and learn much, much, much more.
I became aware that everything is already in place there, the people are ready, the plan is set in place.
I learned that me is really we.
This is what I must do to continue on this path;
Love myself a little more every moment
Feed myself, as I wish to be fed mentally, physically, emotionally, and creatively
Work myself so that I feel excited to get up everyday, doing exactly what I am here to do, with a passion one only gets from doing what she loves, for her people; the humans.
Be kind to myself and others.
We are young, we are learning. There is no way I could change what I wasn't aware of. The habit of beating ourselves up with our thoughts has been created over 1,000's (possibly billions ) of years, we are only now becoming aware of ourselves
BE NICE. It will take time to create new habits,
REMEMBER all we can do is our best, moment to moment.
Together we are going to create an environment that loves.
Together.
xoxo
Justina
p.s.
I realized how simple it is to sort my thoughts and come back from the mental slavery I find myself in by writing. Life is stressful, seems to be for everyone I know, I understand and accept that. I often struggle with finding myself making things harder for the people I love and lacking understanding. I wonder how I can be going through many big life changes while creating many helpful solutions and still beat myself up for not doing enough? for not loving enough?
Please pray for more grace and understanding, tolerance, and love.
Monday, January 10, 2011
full circle
wow. This summer, it will be 10 years since all of this (crazy) started. Amazing how time goes by. I guess I have been saying 5 years ago for about 5 years.
One of my first memories of crazy was having memories. Until this time, I really didn't not have any real memories of being a child. I started having dreams and flash backs of random weird stuff from childhood. I felt like I was remembering because I was finally comfortable in my own skin and my marriage, that my mind decided it was a good time to go through the pile of things I couldn't understand. Every morning I was waking up from another memory. It was scary but it felt good after reliving the moment, forgiving and letting go. It was obviously what needed to be done. I soon realized the way I remembered this stuff was from a small child's perspective and the memories needed to see the situations through new compassionate eyes. It was apparent that I used a defense mechanism called throw it in a pile and move on. This pile was now enormous and insisted on being sorted. (I believe this is called bi-polar by pharmaceutical companies)
Soon after all of this started, Bill got orders to go to Afghanistan. This news was alarming, I really counted on Bill being there when I woke up, often in tears or intense fear. We decided going to therapy was necessary, I needed someone to talk through this stuff through. Within the first couple sessions, the therapist informed me that my memories were coming back because I have a daughter the same age I was when things fell apart. Taylor was 5 at the time, my parents divorced when I was 6. Just the way she moved her hand, or the questions of her mind were enough to trigger my 5 year old self. This discovery was also the alarm to how I was raising her. I was unconsciously forcing her to learn the things that I tribute to my survival.
I remember laying in bed, telling Bill that I really wanted to know what kinds of things were in the pile. The defense mechanism was now an ingrained habit, it would grab random moments (minutes-years) and throw them in the pile, didn't distinguish between good/bad anymore. Just a smell or a sound would tell my mind to pretend it never happened. I believed there was nothing in that pile so bad that I couldn't forgive and let go. I wanted to remember my life and the lives of my children. I gave myself permission to go in, then and there.
It wasn't long before I was prescibed pharmaceutical drugs, was told and believed I was crazy and would never again be sane. The drugs caused me to become numb to life and content with living a groundhog day kind of life. My mind, soul, and body stopped growing, quit learning, forgot about dreaming and the importance of remembering. I stayed this way on the drugs for a few years.
Half way through this self discovery, my life hit a slippery spot and went on a tail spin. Both my grandfather, (who was the male figure in my life from 5-12) and my father (from 13-25) passed away within 30 days of each other. I found myself 25 years old with no foundation in a belief system at all. I had no idea where they might have gone, no faith at all in their peace.
I stopped the pharmaceuticals cold turkey, I wanted my life back. Crazy or not, living was the choice I made.
This really sent me on a mission for some questions and some answers. What is it that I really believe?
This is a BIG question. When you ask BIG questions, the universe (God) will provide BIG answers.
10 years later, I believe the pile is sorted. All is forgiven, accepted and let go.
I am able to live in the here and now, smiling.
One of my first memories of crazy was having memories. Until this time, I really didn't not have any real memories of being a child. I started having dreams and flash backs of random weird stuff from childhood. I felt like I was remembering because I was finally comfortable in my own skin and my marriage, that my mind decided it was a good time to go through the pile of things I couldn't understand. Every morning I was waking up from another memory. It was scary but it felt good after reliving the moment, forgiving and letting go. It was obviously what needed to be done. I soon realized the way I remembered this stuff was from a small child's perspective and the memories needed to see the situations through new compassionate eyes. It was apparent that I used a defense mechanism called throw it in a pile and move on. This pile was now enormous and insisted on being sorted. (I believe this is called bi-polar by pharmaceutical companies)
Soon after all of this started, Bill got orders to go to Afghanistan. This news was alarming, I really counted on Bill being there when I woke up, often in tears or intense fear. We decided going to therapy was necessary, I needed someone to talk through this stuff through. Within the first couple sessions, the therapist informed me that my memories were coming back because I have a daughter the same age I was when things fell apart. Taylor was 5 at the time, my parents divorced when I was 6. Just the way she moved her hand, or the questions of her mind were enough to trigger my 5 year old self. This discovery was also the alarm to how I was raising her. I was unconsciously forcing her to learn the things that I tribute to my survival.
I remember laying in bed, telling Bill that I really wanted to know what kinds of things were in the pile. The defense mechanism was now an ingrained habit, it would grab random moments (minutes-years) and throw them in the pile, didn't distinguish between good/bad anymore. Just a smell or a sound would tell my mind to pretend it never happened. I believed there was nothing in that pile so bad that I couldn't forgive and let go. I wanted to remember my life and the lives of my children. I gave myself permission to go in, then and there.
It wasn't long before I was prescibed pharmaceutical drugs, was told and believed I was crazy and would never again be sane. The drugs caused me to become numb to life and content with living a groundhog day kind of life. My mind, soul, and body stopped growing, quit learning, forgot about dreaming and the importance of remembering. I stayed this way on the drugs for a few years.
Half way through this self discovery, my life hit a slippery spot and went on a tail spin. Both my grandfather, (who was the male figure in my life from 5-12) and my father (from 13-25) passed away within 30 days of each other. I found myself 25 years old with no foundation in a belief system at all. I had no idea where they might have gone, no faith at all in their peace.
I stopped the pharmaceuticals cold turkey, I wanted my life back. Crazy or not, living was the choice I made.
This really sent me on a mission for some questions and some answers. What is it that I really believe?
This is a BIG question. When you ask BIG questions, the universe (God) will provide BIG answers.
10 years later, I believe the pile is sorted. All is forgiven, accepted and let go.
I am able to live in the here and now, smiling.
Monday, January 3, 2011
She's free!
Being ruled and controlled by an addiction has the ability to rule and control old thought processes. Smoking everyday @ the same times in the same places keep my thoughts running through the same circles. They stopped when I stopped.
"the only way to change something is to love it just the way it is"
Taking this approach in finally letting go of the habit, I started paying attention to the reasons I LOVE smoking.
#1. Smoking requires us to stop whatever it is we are doing (a great excuse usually), go outside, and take 10-20 deep breathes. Didn't matter that these were smoke filled breathes, deep breathes all the same.
#2. Let's admit it, smokers are typically cool people, and deep thinkers. Going to the smoker's corner, you're sure to find a friendly companion. Meeting other smokers outside is easy, we already have something in common, we are considered outcasts by our addiction, we relate to each immediately.
#3. Smoking tells others that I do not conform to the rules, I do things others do not approve of, I live outside the box.
#4. Cigarettes have been the ONLY consistent thing in my life. They have become my friend. They have been beside me through all of my ups, downs, and in between for 23 years! - pregnancies and nursing.
Accepting the reasons I love smoking allows me to put new habits in their place.
#1. Take breaks, stop often and take deep breathes. Go outside and take some fresh air breaks. Separate myself from what ever is going on and re-evaluate myself and my surroundings. Meditate.
#2. Engage myself in conversations with people around me. Realize that everyone has something in common, we are sharing the human experience. We all love meeting new friends. Say hi :)
#3. I live my life outside the box, in MANY other ways than an addiction. I pride myself in my uniqueness and love to express it. (besides, cigarette addiction is becoming the norm and I am certainly not trying to be part of the norm in today's society.
#4 Smoking my problems away is really just procrastinating them. I am in the business of making love. In order to get there, I must be able to take an "issue", process it, and let it go. Smoking just shoves it somewhere in my body and I feel it later as a physical pain. I have a mind, great friends, new habits, and a therapist. I no longer have a use for cigarettes, I have replaced them.
In order to continue smoking, a language has been created. "trying to quit" is an impossible circle to break free from. You will be constantly "trying".
Find a language that actually works for you. Instead of trying, I focused on being free. Each time the thought crossed my mind I said to myself and those around me... "I am proud/happy to be free from an addiction". I reminded myself that my family is proud to be free from the smoke that was a part of their lives.
I learned a really cool way to keep on during a yoga class. While in a strenuous pose for what some may call tooooo long, the instructor taught us to ask our bodies if we should continue. This is AMAZING. If you ask your heart or lungs if they want to continue in this pose, they will smile and reassure you that you can do it! The moment you ask your head (ego) it will loudly protest. Your ego will tell you to stop this exercise immediately and go get a cigarette and a donut.
The same with anything and everything. When my ego speaks out for "just one drag", I stop myself and ask parts of my body, I ask my family. This keeps me on the path I chose, addiction free.
It's been 21 days. Some say this is the magic number. All the nicotine is out of my system, the habit is officially broken, I am free. Chains gone.
P.S The last final step I took before actually quitting was letting go of my purse. One night, I dumped everything out and really looked at it. What is really necessary for me to carry around everywhere, everyday, through everything? Nothing was the answer. Once I let go of carrying stuff (cigarettes) around, it was much easier. There is nothing I need RIGHT NOW. I can go out to my glove box for lotion and chap-stick. I can ask the lady at the register for a pen (great conversation starter). Leaving my wallet in the car helps make a clear choice on purchases. The only reason I really carried a purse was to carry my cigarettes concealed. Indirectly free of two habits that no longer serve me.
Best of all, I smell good :)
xoxo Happy New Year,
Cheers, to our best year yet!
Justina
Monday, November 1, 2010
FInding the center
We are out of balance when we are searching for the "right" or "wrong"
the "ins" and "outs" the "ups" and "downs.
Balance is found in the center.
"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there." ~Rumi
Learning to communicate is equal to learning to really hear what a person is trying to say. Not necessarily how the english language interprets it, but what the heart is saying.
Learning to forgive myself.
Listening to what my heart is trying to say @ the moments I am choosing to beat myself up. My ego is loud and clear, it has no time for love, no need for others, and it takes the job of protecting me from everything at all costs, very seriously.
.
Forgiving myself has turned out to be much more difficult in some ways than to forgive others, although in forgiving myself, I also forgive others and give permission for others to ask forgiveness. It is a magical journey inward, I have found a quiet strength.
Learning to trust myself and trust others.
Reflecting the past. Reliving it without judgment or "taking it personal". Realizing that the perspective of my little girl self was much bigger than my "adult" perspective. Moments of fear that spread into days, days turned into months and months turned into years. My ego is also very dramatic and exaggerating
I am tired and must nap.
xoxo
the "ins" and "outs" the "ups" and "downs.
Balance is found in the center.
"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there." ~Rumi
Learning to communicate is equal to learning to really hear what a person is trying to say. Not necessarily how the english language interprets it, but what the heart is saying.
Learning to forgive myself.
Listening to what my heart is trying to say @ the moments I am choosing to beat myself up. My ego is loud and clear, it has no time for love, no need for others, and it takes the job of protecting me from everything at all costs, very seriously.
.
Forgiving myself has turned out to be much more difficult in some ways than to forgive others, although in forgiving myself, I also forgive others and give permission for others to ask forgiveness. It is a magical journey inward, I have found a quiet strength.
Learning to trust myself and trust others.
Reflecting the past. Reliving it without judgment or "taking it personal". Realizing that the perspective of my little girl self was much bigger than my "adult" perspective. Moments of fear that spread into days, days turned into months and months turned into years. My ego is also very dramatic and exaggerating
I am tired and must nap.
xoxo
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
10.6.10
Emotionally, you may feel a bit unsure and perhaps a bit indecisive as to how to proceed, justina. You have a tremendously warm and caring nature, but at the same time, it does not do you or anyone else any good unless you can learn to be assertive about it and brave in expressing it. Now is your chance to stand up and take a definitive stand. Do not let other people take advantage of you or call the shots for you. You know perfectly well what you want and how to get it.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Intentions of Alaska
Going to Alaska in a moments notice went by so fast, it felt like a dream. Moments after arriving I felt like any moment I was going to wake up in Asheville.
I wrote down my intentions for my trip home, I don't remember doing it, but just found them... I am very happy with myself :)
What you think, BECOMES
Looking for love? Looking to love?
Two completely different things. Magical.
Reach out, share, trade.
Looking for;
Healing, reconnection, insight, healthy energy exchange, intuition, enlightenment.
Being, Light, Love, Flow, Release
Remember, It's OKAY.
Letting go, it's Okay.
Breathing in; receiving, breathing out; letting go.
Being the flow of energy.
Excited, seeing the transformaion, evolving.
Becoming, being, loving, understanding.
The trip was wonderful. Thank you Aunties Les, Norma, Auntie Rose, Anita, Toni Rose, Abigail, Ronel, Anita, Jess, Crystal, Rob, Marcie,Rick, Jenny, Mag, Vaness (bobby), Fe (scotty), Tandy, Dad, Tina, Mom, Adj, Jordan Carol, Dave, Curtis, Dennis and Jane, Jenny, Colleen, Chris and Gary.............
Hearing my voice with confidence and strength gives me goosebumps.
I wrote down my intentions for my trip home, I don't remember doing it, but just found them... I am very happy with myself :)
What you think, BECOMES
Looking for love? Looking to love?
Two completely different things. Magical.
Reach out, share, trade.
Looking for;
Healing, reconnection, insight, healthy energy exchange, intuition, enlightenment.
Being, Light, Love, Flow, Release
Remember, It's OKAY.
Letting go, it's Okay.
Breathing in; receiving, breathing out; letting go.
Being the flow of energy.
Excited, seeing the transformaion, evolving.
Becoming, being, loving, understanding.
The trip was wonderful. Thank you Aunties Les, Norma, Auntie Rose, Anita, Toni Rose, Abigail, Ronel, Anita, Jess, Crystal, Rob, Marcie,Rick, Jenny, Mag, Vaness (bobby), Fe (scotty), Tandy, Dad, Tina, Mom, Adj, Jordan Carol, Dave, Curtis, Dennis and Jane, Jenny, Colleen, Chris and Gary.............
Hearing my voice with confidence and strength gives me goosebumps.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Separateness causes confusion
When an illness inflicts itself on a family, the pain is felt by all.
Each individual has his own perspective, each of us file information according to our beliefs, our thoughts and our journey's.
Our free will allows us the choice; How to respond.
How we interpret the information and how we will act or react to the situation (whatever it is at the moment) is 100% up to us.
We get to choose whether or not we want to find the "rights & wrongs", the blame, the victim... Are we choosing to be the judge? the prosecutor? the jury?
Happiness and unconditional love are found in looking past how "I think you should be", and loving you for exactly who you are. Choosing to comfort you in your time of need, to celebrate your discoveries, to hurt when you hurt.
It is our dream from the moment we came upon this earth to be just a little better than before. It is our purpose to become aware of needless cycles and let them go. It is our purpose to evolve, to learn new tricks.
When someone we love very much is suffering, our responsibility is an honor. To come together, share our love and bring healing.
All of us find ourselves as outcasts, as we've all made mistakes, been judged and prosecuted within our family. We feel seperated and unloved. Why are we doing this to each other?
Acknowledgment is our first step toward recovery. Sweeping it under the rug, pretending the facts do not exist is only adding to the fear and pain. Denial is feeding the cycle we must learn to let go of.
If there is "side" that must be chosen, I choose the side of the small child in all of us, crying to be loved.
I am grateful for being raised in a village, many have participated in the being that I am.
Thank you, for every moment.
It is my prayer that the grand love that is between us shines it's light for all to see. Our strength, together, in love, is immeasurable, it's power, immense.
I pray that we come together in peace and ease our broken hearts.
xoxo
Justina
"our silence is hurting us. Our unique individualism is our most valuable aspect. Our differences brought together, create a harmony". jk
Each individual has his own perspective, each of us file information according to our beliefs, our thoughts and our journey's.
Our free will allows us the choice; How to respond.
How we interpret the information and how we will act or react to the situation (whatever it is at the moment) is 100% up to us.
We get to choose whether or not we want to find the "rights & wrongs", the blame, the victim... Are we choosing to be the judge? the prosecutor? the jury?
Happiness and unconditional love are found in looking past how "I think you should be", and loving you for exactly who you are. Choosing to comfort you in your time of need, to celebrate your discoveries, to hurt when you hurt.
It is our dream from the moment we came upon this earth to be just a little better than before. It is our purpose to become aware of needless cycles and let them go. It is our purpose to evolve, to learn new tricks.
When someone we love very much is suffering, our responsibility is an honor. To come together, share our love and bring healing.
All of us find ourselves as outcasts, as we've all made mistakes, been judged and prosecuted within our family. We feel seperated and unloved. Why are we doing this to each other?
Acknowledgment is our first step toward recovery. Sweeping it under the rug, pretending the facts do not exist is only adding to the fear and pain. Denial is feeding the cycle we must learn to let go of.
If there is "side" that must be chosen, I choose the side of the small child in all of us, crying to be loved.
I am grateful for being raised in a village, many have participated in the being that I am.
Thank you, for every moment.
It is my prayer that the grand love that is between us shines it's light for all to see. Our strength, together, in love, is immeasurable, it's power, immense.
I pray that we come together in peace and ease our broken hearts.
xoxo
Justina
"our silence is hurting us. Our unique individualism is our most valuable aspect. Our differences brought together, create a harmony". jk
Friday, August 6, 2010
Around the circles I roam
seems foolish that I run myself in the circles, yet comforting to know that I can always go back, in time or space.
the circles go round and round.
I find myself in a peculiar spot pondering life's mysteries.
Walking rhrough doors I have been in many times before, only possibly seeing things in a different perspective, learning the trades and picking up tools I must have missed before.
My life has been a struggle, growing up as a wanderer and living today as one.
I long for stucture, education and love as we all do, only when I find myself there I get restless. I know that this is not all life has to offer. I search truth, I seek love. I am not content living a life of lies, pretending that THIS is enough. I refuse to believe we as humans choose to vote for lies, curruption and killing. I believe in mankind and pray daily for the aliens to come so we can realize we are one planet, we are the human race of earth and we must come together to live with our basic needs provided. Mother nature has everything we need., why oh why are we still struggling every moment for these things?
I spent the first 30 years of my life in the dream, being just who I needed to be in order to please everyone that I possibly can. The last 5 years, discovering who I really am, who Justina is in her soul. Turns out, when you stop being the person who is only there to please, the ones you love the most refuse to accept the YOU that is taking care of herself.
Struggling to keep my chin up, Mom and dad have disowned me for the last time. Family is so far away, we are easily forgotten.
So, who is this new me that has continued crawling? Has this dreamer found a way to evolve? Today I sit, believing in the here and now. Reflecting on the past, putting faith into the future.
Living the american dream, homeless, jobless and alone.
the circles go round and round.
I find myself in a peculiar spot pondering life's mysteries.
Walking rhrough doors I have been in many times before, only possibly seeing things in a different perspective, learning the trades and picking up tools I must have missed before.
My life has been a struggle, growing up as a wanderer and living today as one.
I long for stucture, education and love as we all do, only when I find myself there I get restless. I know that this is not all life has to offer. I search truth, I seek love. I am not content living a life of lies, pretending that THIS is enough. I refuse to believe we as humans choose to vote for lies, curruption and killing. I believe in mankind and pray daily for the aliens to come so we can realize we are one planet, we are the human race of earth and we must come together to live with our basic needs provided. Mother nature has everything we need., why oh why are we still struggling every moment for these things?
I spent the first 30 years of my life in the dream, being just who I needed to be in order to please everyone that I possibly can. The last 5 years, discovering who I really am, who Justina is in her soul. Turns out, when you stop being the person who is only there to please, the ones you love the most refuse to accept the YOU that is taking care of herself.
Struggling to keep my chin up, Mom and dad have disowned me for the last time. Family is so far away, we are easily forgotten.
So, who is this new me that has continued crawling? Has this dreamer found a way to evolve? Today I sit, believing in the here and now. Reflecting on the past, putting faith into the future.
Living the american dream, homeless, jobless and alone.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Letter to community living
Heeellllp. Trying to write about myself. It's really hard...
My name is Justina Kerstein, I am a 35 year old Alaskan Native in a female body.
I am a nurturer, content within my soul, ageless, and a vegetarian, who loves the kitchen. I choose to eat organic, local and seasonal.
I love children, pets, teaching, learning and care keeping. I have a loving and soul searching personality.
I have three amazing children who are raised without T.V, with a stay @ home mom who believes in learning the trades of our ancestors. My oldest son, Adrian is 19, living in Alaska by his grandma. Joshua is our middle child and will be living with me, his bio is included. Taylor is our youngest and only daughter, she is living in the Fort Bragg area with her dad who I have been married to for 16 years and continues to be my best friend.
I enjoy quilting, crocheting, crafts, baking, music, art, inside plants and outside gardens. I have been the PTO president, a soccer coach, and a last minute science project creator. I have worked part-time outside the home doing various jobs. Created work from home projects while the kids are @ school. I love humanity, love to meet people, learn, listen, and teach.
I am seeking a home with others in order to live community style. I love drum circles, potlucks, laughter and good music. I am clean, and respect others lifestyle choices.
I am working on a project, LIFE. A worker-owned business that will bring community, local goods, and the ability to access healthy choices easily. I am seeking part-time work that will allow me to learn more about this area of interest.
Josh and I are here to gather with like minds and return to a more reasonable, traditional style of living. An atmosphere where growth is encouraged, life is respected and mother nature is honored.
I am humbly grateful to be given the opportunity to live in an area that enables this kind of living and is at the forefront of our nations change.
We are active in outdoor work and recreation, we live the 6 R's; reduce, re-use, recycle, respect, responsibility, re-think.
We would love the opportunity to meet, see if our energy connects, and go from there.
Thank you for taking the time and the creating the opportunity,
In love,
Justina Kerstein
910.322.3906
Hello, my name is Josh. I am ageless in a 15 year old male body. I am an adaptable person with good intentions, a calm attitude, a working personality, and an old soul.
I love the outdoors, children, people, and animals. I have friends in all age groups and walk of life.
I am an entrepreneur and have owned two successful businesses since I was 9 years old. (lawn care and firewood)
I am moving my mom and I to Asheville so I can surround myself with other people that are living healthy lifestyles and aware. I am the change I wish to see in the world.
My name is Justina Kerstein, I am a 35 year old Alaskan Native in a female body.
I am a nurturer, content within my soul, ageless, and a vegetarian, who loves the kitchen. I choose to eat organic, local and seasonal.
I love children, pets, teaching, learning and care keeping. I have a loving and soul searching personality.
I have three amazing children who are raised without T.V, with a stay @ home mom who believes in learning the trades of our ancestors. My oldest son, Adrian is 19, living in Alaska by his grandma. Joshua is our middle child and will be living with me, his bio is included. Taylor is our youngest and only daughter, she is living in the Fort Bragg area with her dad who I have been married to for 16 years and continues to be my best friend.
I enjoy quilting, crocheting, crafts, baking, music, art, inside plants and outside gardens. I have been the PTO president, a soccer coach, and a last minute science project creator. I have worked part-time outside the home doing various jobs. Created work from home projects while the kids are @ school. I love humanity, love to meet people, learn, listen, and teach.
I am seeking a home with others in order to live community style. I love drum circles, potlucks, laughter and good music. I am clean, and respect others lifestyle choices.
I am working on a project, LIFE. A worker-owned business that will bring community, local goods, and the ability to access healthy choices easily. I am seeking part-time work that will allow me to learn more about this area of interest.
Josh and I are here to gather with like minds and return to a more reasonable, traditional style of living. An atmosphere where growth is encouraged, life is respected and mother nature is honored.
I am humbly grateful to be given the opportunity to live in an area that enables this kind of living and is at the forefront of our nations change.
We are active in outdoor work and recreation, we live the 6 R's; reduce, re-use, recycle, respect, responsibility, re-think.
We would love the opportunity to meet, see if our energy connects, and go from there.
Thank you for taking the time and the creating the opportunity,
In love,
Justina Kerstein
910.322.3906
Hello, my name is Josh. I am ageless in a 15 year old male body. I am an adaptable person with good intentions, a calm attitude, a working personality, and an old soul.
I love the outdoors, children, people, and animals. I have friends in all age groups and walk of life.
I am an entrepreneur and have owned two successful businesses since I was 9 years old. (lawn care and firewood)
I am moving my mom and I to Asheville so I can surround myself with other people that are living healthy lifestyles and aware. I am the change I wish to see in the world.
Friday, July 23, 2010
be still
Be still, have faith, love deeply.
These are the creators of my mind.
The desire to search, plan and do echo in my mind.
I believe running around in circles trying to make
something happen is only creating chaos.
It keeps my mind busy, too busy to hear the whispers
of the God in me showing me the way.
I believe my path has been constructed by my visions,
the map already in print.
I have full trust and faith in the universe,
I believe she is showing me the way.
Being still allows the doors to open.
The draw, the pull to do things my way, to find the answers, to search out the plan.
Knowing all the while, the answers lie within, the plan already in place,
certain "my way" is to go astray.
Dreaming of you, visions of sugar plums dancing in my mind. I feel the energy of your presence at my side.
Lighting strikes and thunder rolls,
waiting for life itself to unfold.
Faith, harmony, and karma, useful guides.
Their definitions, I shall abide.
xoxo
These are the creators of my mind.
The desire to search, plan and do echo in my mind.
I believe running around in circles trying to make
something happen is only creating chaos.
It keeps my mind busy, too busy to hear the whispers
of the God in me showing me the way.
I believe my path has been constructed by my visions,
the map already in print.
I have full trust and faith in the universe,
I believe she is showing me the way.
Being still allows the doors to open.
The draw, the pull to do things my way, to find the answers, to search out the plan.
Knowing all the while, the answers lie within, the plan already in place,
certain "my way" is to go astray.
Dreaming of you, visions of sugar plums dancing in my mind. I feel the energy of your presence at my side.
Lighting strikes and thunder rolls,
waiting for life itself to unfold.
Faith, harmony, and karma, useful guides.
Their definitions, I shall abide.
xoxo
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
exist
Meet
everyone, every chance you get.
Create
a grapevine.
Love.
every chance you get, every breathe you take.
Listen
to every dream, every thought.
Observe
without judgment, allow this moment to be what it is.
Focus
on your breathe. in love, out love.
Write
it down, give it life.
"next time someone tells you you made a mistake, tell them thank-you because without imperfection neither you or I would exist". Stephan Hawking
everyone, every chance you get.
Create
a grapevine.
Love.
every chance you get, every breathe you take.
Listen
to every dream, every thought.
Observe
without judgment, allow this moment to be what it is.
Focus
on your breathe. in love, out love.
Write
it down, give it life.
"next time someone tells you you made a mistake, tell them thank-you because without imperfection neither you or I would exist". Stephan Hawking
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