She's free!

Being ruled and controlled by an addiction has the ability to rule and control old thought processes. Smoking everyday @ the same times in the same places keep my thoughts running through the same circles. They stopped when I stopped.

"the only way to change something is to love it just the way it is"

Taking this approach in finally letting go of the habit, I started paying attention to the reasons I LOVE smoking. 

#1. Smoking requires us to stop whatever it is we are doing (a great excuse usually), go outside, and take 10-20 deep breathes. Didn't matter that these were smoke filled breathes, deep breathes all the same.

#2. Let's admit it, smokers are typically cool people, and deep thinkers. Going to the smoker's corner, you're sure to find a friendly companion. Meeting other smokers outside is easy, we already have something in common, we are considered outcasts by our addiction, we relate to each immediately. 

#3. Smoking tells others that I do not conform to the rules, I do things others do not approve of, I live outside the box. 

#4. Cigarettes have been the ONLY consistent thing in my life. They have become my friend. They have been beside me through all of my ups, downs, and in between for 23 years!  - pregnancies and nursing.

Accepting the reasons I love smoking allows me to put new habits in their place. 

#1. Take breaks,  stop often and take deep breathes. Go outside and take some fresh air breaks. Separate myself from what ever is going on and re-evaluate myself and my surroundings. Meditate. 

#2. Engage myself in conversations with people around me. Realize that everyone has something in common, we are sharing the human experience. We all love meeting new friends. Say hi :)

#3. I live my life outside the box, in MANY other ways than an addiction. I pride myself in my uniqueness and love to express it. (besides, cigarette addiction is becoming the norm and I am certainly not trying to be part of the norm in today's society.

#4 Smoking my problems away is really just procrastinating them. I am in the business of making love. In order to get there, I must be able to take an "issue", process it, and let it go. Smoking just shoves it somewhere in my body and I feel it later as a  physical pain.   I have a mind, great friends, new habits, and a therapist. I no longer have a use for cigarettes, I have replaced them.

In order to continue smoking, a language has been created. "trying to quit" is an impossible circle to break free from. You will be constantly "trying". 

Find a language that actually works for you. Instead of trying, I focused on being free. Each time the thought crossed my mind I said to myself and those around me... "I am proud/happy to be free from an addiction". I reminded myself that my family is proud to be free from the smoke that was a part of their lives. 

I learned a really cool way to keep on during a yoga class. While in a strenuous pose for what some may call tooooo long, the instructor taught us to ask our bodies if we should continue. This is AMAZING. If you ask your heart or lungs if they want to continue in this pose, they will smile and reassure you that you can do it! The moment you ask your head (ego) it will loudly protest. Your ego will tell you to stop this exercise immediately and go get a cigarette and a donut. 

The same with anything and everything. When my ego speaks out for "just one drag", I stop myself and ask parts of my body, I ask my family. This keeps me on the path I chose, addiction free. 

It's been 21 days. Some say this is the magic number. All the nicotine is out of my system, the habit is officially broken, I am free. Chains gone. 

P.S The last final step I took before actually quitting was letting go of my purse. One night, I dumped everything out and really looked at it. What is really necessary for me to carry around everywhere, everyday, through everything? Nothing was the answer. Once I let go of carrying stuff (cigarettes) around, it was much easier. There is nothing I need RIGHT NOW. I can go out to my glove box for lotion and chap-stick. I can ask the lady at the register for a pen (great conversation starter). Leaving my wallet in the car helps make a clear choice on purchases. The only reason I really carried a purse was to carry my cigarettes concealed. Indirectly free of two habits that no longer serve me. 

Best of all, I smell good :) 

xoxo Happy New Year, 

Cheers, to our best year yet!

Justina

FInding the center

We are out of balance when  we are searching for the "right" or "wrong"
the "ins" and "outs" the "ups" and "downs.
Balance is found in the center.
"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there." ~Rumi
Learning to communicate is equal to learning to really hear what a person is trying to say. Not necessarily how the english language interprets it, but what the heart is saying.
Learning to forgive myself.
Listening to what my heart is trying to say @ the moments I am choosing to beat myself up. My ego is loud and clear, it has no time for love, no need for others, and it takes the job of protecting me from everything at all costs, very seriously.
.
Forgiving myself has turned out to be much more difficult in some ways than to forgive others, although in forgiving myself, I also forgive others and give permission for others to ask forgiveness. It is a magical journey inward, I have found a quiet strength.
Learning to trust myself and trust others.
Reflecting the past. Reliving it without judgment or "taking it personal".  Realizing that the perspective of my little girl self was much bigger than my "adult" perspective. Moments of fear that spread into days, days turned into months and months turned into years. My ego is also very dramatic and exaggerating
I am tired and must nap.
xoxo

10.6.10

Emotionally, you may feel a bit unsure and perhaps a bit indecisive as to how to proceed, justina. You have a tremendously warm and caring nature, but at the same time, it does not do you or anyone else any good unless you can learn to be assertive about it and brave in expressing it. Now is your chance to stand up and take a definitive stand. Do not let other people take advantage of you or call the shots for you. You know perfectly well what you want and how to get it.

Intentions of Alaska

Going to Alaska in a moments notice went by so fast, it felt like a dream. Moments after arriving  I felt like any moment I was going to wake up in Asheville.
I wrote down my intentions for my trip home, I don't remember doing it, but just found them... I am very happy with myself :)

What you think, BECOMES
Looking for love? Looking to love?
Two completely different things. Magical.
Reach out, share, trade.
Looking for;
Healing, reconnection, insight, healthy energy exchange, intuition, enlightenment.
Being, Light, Love, Flow, Release
Remember, It's OKAY.
Letting go, it's Okay.
Breathing in; receiving, breathing out; letting go.
Being the flow of energy.
Excited, seeing the transformaion, evolving.
Becoming, being, loving, understanding.

The trip was wonderful. Thank you Aunties Les, Norma, Auntie Rose, Anita, Toni Rose, Abigail, Ronel, Anita, Jess, Crystal, Rob, Marcie,Rick, Jenny, Mag, Vaness (bobby), Fe (scotty), Tandy, Dad, Tina, Mom, Adj, Jordan Carol, Dave, Curtis, Dennis and Jane, Jenny,  Colleen, Chris and Gary.............
Hearing my voice with confidence and strength gives me goosebumps.

Separateness causes confusion

When an illness inflicts itself on a family, the pain is felt by all.
Each individual has his own perspective, each of us file information according to our beliefs, our thoughts and our journey's.
Our free will allows us the choice; How to respond.
How we interpret the information and how we will act or react to the situation (whatever it is at the moment) is 100% up to us.
We get to choose whether or not we want to find the "rights & wrongs", the blame, the victim... Are we choosing to be the judge? the prosecutor? the jury?
Happiness and unconditional love are found in looking past how "I think you should be", and loving you for exactly who you are. Choosing to comfort you in your time of need, to celebrate your discoveries, to hurt when you hurt.
It is our dream from the moment we came upon this earth to be just a little better than before. It is our purpose to become aware of needless cycles and let them go. It is our purpose to evolve, to learn new tricks.
When someone we love very much is suffering, our responsibility is an honor. To come together, share our love and bring healing.
All of us find ourselves as outcasts, as we've all made mistakes, been judged and prosecuted within our family. We feel seperated and unloved. Why are we doing this to each other?
Acknowledgment is our first step toward recovery. Sweeping it under the rug, pretending the facts do not exist is only adding to the fear and pain.  Denial is feeding the cycle we must learn to let go of.
If there is "side" that must be chosen, I choose the side of the small child in all of us, crying to be loved.
I am grateful for being raised in a village, many have participated in the being that I am.
Thank you, for every moment.
It is my prayer that the grand love that is between us shines it's light for all to see. Our strength, together, in love, is immeasurable, it's power, immense.
I pray that we come together in peace and ease our broken hearts.
xoxo
Justina
"our silence is hurting us. Our unique individualism is our most valuable aspect. Our differences brought together, create a harmony". jk

Around the circles I roam

seems foolish that I run myself in the circles, yet comforting to know that I can always go back, in time or space.
the circles go round and round.
I find myself in a peculiar spot pondering life's mysteries.
Walking rhrough doors I have been in many times before, only possibly seeing things in a different perspective, learning the trades and picking up tools I must have missed before.
My life has been a struggle, growing up as a wanderer and living today as one.
I long for stucture, education and love as we all do, only when I find myself there I get restless. I know that this is not all life has to offer. I search truth, I seek love. I am not content living a life of lies, pretending that THIS is enough. I refuse to believe we as humans choose to vote for lies, curruption and killing. I believe in mankind and pray daily for the aliens to come so we can realize we are one planet, we are the human race of earth and we must come together to live with our basic needs provided. Mother nature has everything we need., why oh why are we still struggling every moment for these things?
I spent the first 30 years of my life in the dream, being just who I needed to be in order to please everyone that I possibly can. The last 5 years, discovering who I really am, who Justina is in her soul. Turns out, when you stop being the person who is only there to please, the ones you love the most refuse to accept the YOU that is taking care of herself.
Struggling to keep my chin up, Mom and dad have disowned me for the last time. Family is so far away, we are easily forgotten.

So, who is this new me that has continued crawling? Has this dreamer found a way to evolve? Today I sit, believing in the here and now. Reflecting on the past, putting faith into the future.
Living the american dream, homeless, jobless and alone.

Letter to community living

Heeellllp. Trying to write about myself. It's really hard...

My name is Justina Kerstein, I am a 35 year old Alaskan Native in a female body.
I am a nurturer, content within my soul, ageless, and  a vegetarian, who loves the kitchen. I choose to eat organic, local and seasonal.
I love children, pets, teaching, learning and care keeping. I have a loving and soul searching personality.

I have three amazing children who are raised without T.V, with a stay @ home mom who believes in learning the trades of our ancestors. My oldest son, Adrian is 19, living in Alaska by his grandma. Joshua is our middle child and will be living with me, his bio is included. Taylor is our youngest and only daughter, she is living in the Fort Bragg area with her dad who I have been married to for 16 years and continues to be my best friend.

I enjoy quilting, crocheting, crafts, baking, music, art, inside plants and outside gardens. I have been the PTO president, a soccer coach, and a last minute science project creator. I have worked part-time outside the home doing various jobs. Created work from home projects while the kids are @ school. I love humanity, love to meet people, learn, listen, and teach.
I am seeking a home with others in order to live community style. I love drum circles, potlucks, laughter and good music. I am clean,  and respect others lifestyle choices.
I am working on a project, LIFE. A worker-owned business that will bring community, local goods, and the ability to access healthy choices easily. I am seeking part-time work that will allow me to learn more about this area of interest.

Josh and I are here to gather with like minds and return to a more reasonable, traditional style of living.  An atmosphere where growth is encouraged, life is respected and mother nature is honored.
I am humbly grateful to be given the opportunity to live in an area that enables this kind of living and is at the forefront of our nations change.
We are active in outdoor work and recreation, we live the 6 R's; reduce, re-use, recycle, respect,  responsibility, re-think.
We would love the opportunity to meet, see if our energy connects, and go from there.
Thank you for taking the time and the creating the opportunity,
In love,
Justina Kerstein
910.322.3906

Hello, my name is Josh. I am ageless in a 15 year old male body. I am an adaptable person with good intentions, a calm attitude, a working personality, and an old soul.
I love the outdoors, children, people, and animals. I have friends in all age groups and walk of life.
I am an entrepreneur and have owned two successful businesses since I was 9 years old. (lawn care and firewood)
I am moving my mom and I to Asheville so I can surround myself with other people that are living healthy lifestyles and aware. I am the change I wish to see in the world.

be still

Be still, have faith, love deeply.
These are the creators of my mind.
The desire to search, plan and do echo in my mind.
I believe running around in circles trying to make
something happen is only creating chaos.
It keeps my mind busy, too busy to hear the whispers
of the God in me showing me the way.
I believe my path has been constructed by my visions,
the map already in print.
I have full trust and faith in the universe,
I believe she is showing me the way.
Being still allows the doors to open.

The draw, the pull to do things my way, to find the answers, to search out the plan.
Knowing all the while, the answers lie within, the plan already in place,
certain "my way" is to go astray.
Dreaming of you, visions of sugar plums dancing in my mind. I feel the energy of your presence at my side.
Lighting strikes and thunder rolls,
waiting for life itself to unfold.
Faith, harmony, and karma, useful guides.
Their definitions, I shall abide.
xoxo

exist

Meet
everyone, every chance you get.
Create
a grapevine.
Love.
every chance you get, every breathe you take.
Listen
to every dream, every thought.
Observe
without judgment, allow this moment to be what it is.
Focus
on your breathe. in love, out love.
Write
it down, give it life.

"next time someone tells you you made a mistake, tell them thank-you because without imperfection neither you or I would exist". Stephan Hawking

I love you.

It is not your fault.
I feel the pain our families are suffering.
I hear the lonely cry of man.
We must wake up.
The time has come.
How long must we suffer, how much is enough?
This is not just "how it is".
We, the people, can make the change.
Sometimes the enormous pain feels like it is too much,
even for the magic pen.
These words can not describe the horrors.
Music can.
Love can.
Dreams can.
We will find a way to heal the suffering hearts,
end this unnecessary pain.
darling sister, I love you.
dearest grandma, I love you.
strong, beautiful mother, I love you.
adoring brothers, I love you.
amazing, sweet children, I love you.
Grateful for all I am, now.

love. you and I.

The magic pen in hand,
I come to you.
Seeking your ever gaithful guidance.

The truths I seek seem to have no limits.
The struggles I face within myself
sometimes seem to swallow me whole.
Love is my only refuge.
I am love.
As I breathe in and out, aware of myself.
Love.
Consumed with the habit of replaying the scenario's over and over again in my mind.
I began to wonder if the choices I make are really mine?
Did I really decide to be here?
Is this my dream or yours?
Do I float along yours until I find mine?
Will you share your dreams with me?
Of all the long journey's of my past
I wouldn't trade not one,
It all lead to here, this will all lead to there.=
LOVE.

The visions are seeing light, they are coming forth.
like fireworks exploding throughout our universe.
Life,
love in full effect.
here we go.....