today.

attempting the lift up, imagining smiles.
Feel like I'm trying to play pac man in a donkey kong world.
It's like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Laid all my cards on the table and it turns out...
we're playing dominoes.
Brought all my equipment, to the wrong field.
Looks like it's time to start over, fresh....
I kind of like it in this brand new place.
I believe they're nice here. Just because.
There's no longer a debt to pay. No need to be "paid back", for us to continue suffering for past actions.
It's a brand new day, a totally new idea, slate clean.
There's no slamming hammers on heads, stealing woman, running, chasing or dying.
It's all brand new.
All the dreams of loving, caring, sharing, dreaming, being, laughing, creating, smooching, playing, singing, and dancing are not only dreams. It turns out, the grass is actually greener on the other side. It wasn't silly of me to think "why am I suffering when around the corner( belief, mindset, trap), there is love?"

I am going with faith, 100%.  I believe with all of my heart there is something more.


The fear of this demension has no place where I'm going. When you get on the big canoe, the only thing that can come with you is faith. It takes up 100% of the room.

I am so grateful for a love that is more than holding on. A love that is completely un-selfish, a love that has learned how to let go, gracefully. I live it, I honor it.

within it

The systems of which we abide have become habitatable.
We are becoming not only tolerant of the pychosis, but seem to have learned to thrive off of it, within it.
The habits and the rituals, the rights and the wrongs, in and outs are so extreme, we have been forced to find the beauty within the chaos, the positive in and through the most horrendous of catastrophe's.

wow

uncertain whether or not I want to bring any more light to the subject... but WOW.
Kid sets up robbery and steals from us. When contacted his mother says if we weren't so stupid as to trust her son, the robbery wouldn't have happened.
They returned most of it, but not all. She says were lucky they gave us back anything. Is she really having her son set up his friends to steal???????
I will continue to pray for them.

88 important truths

88 Important Truths I’ve Learned About Life

by David

Everyone gets drilled with certain lessons in life. Sometimes it takes repeated demonstrations of a given law of life to really get it into your skull, and other times one powerful experience drives the point home once forever. Here are 88 things I’ve discovered about life, the world, and its inhabitants by this point in my short time on earth.
1. You can’t change other people, and it’s rude to try.
2. It is a hundred times more difficult to burn calories than to refrain from consuming them in the first place.
3. If you’re talking to someone you don’t know well, you may be talking to someone who knows way more about whatever you’re talking about than you do.
4. The cheapest and most expensive models are usually both bad deals.
5. Everyone likes somebody who gets to the point quickly.
6. Bad moods will come and go your whole life, and trying to force them away makes them run deeper and last longer.
7. Children are remarkably honest creatures until we teach them not to be.
8. If everyone in the TV show you’re watching is good-looking, it’s not worth watching.
9. Yelling always makes things worse.
10. Whenever you’re worried about what others will think of you, you’re really just worried about what you’ll think of you.
11. Every problem you have is your responsibility, regardless of who caused it.
12. You never have to deal with more than one moment at a time.
13. If you never doubt your beliefs, then you’re wrong a lot.
14. Managing one’s wants is the most powerful skill a person can learn.
15. Nobody has it all figured out.
16. Cynicism is far too easy to be useful.
17. Every passing face on the street represents a story every bit as compelling and complicated as yours.
18. Whenever you hate something, it hates you back: people, situations and inanimate objects alike.
19. Ralph Waldo Emerson’s works alone can teach you everything you need to know about living with grace and happiness.
20. People embellish everything, as a rule.
21. Anger reveals weakness of character, violence even moreso.
22. Humans cannot destroy the planet, but we can destroy its capacity to keep us alive.  And we are.
23. When people are uncomfortable with the present moment, they fidget with their hands or their minds.  Watch and see.
24. Those who complain the most, accomplish the least.
25. Putting something off makes it instantly harder and scarier.
26. Credit card debt devours souls.
27. Nobody knows more than a minuscule fraction of what’s going on in the world. It’s just way too big for any one person to know it well.
28. Most of what we see is only what we think about what we see.
29. A person who is unafraid to present a candid version of herself to the world is as rare as diamonds.
30. The most common addiction in the world is the draw of comfort. It wrecks dreams and breaks people.
31. If what you’re doing feels perfectly safe, there is probably a better course of action.
32. The greatest innovation in the history of humankind is language.
33. Blame is the favorite pastime of those who dislike responsibility.
34. Everyone you meet is better than you at something.
35. Proof is nothing but a collection of opinions that match your own.
36. Knowledge is belief, nothing more.
37. Indulging your desires is not self-love.
38. What makes human beings different from animals is that animals can be themselves with ease.
39. Self-examination is the only path out of misery.
40. Whoever you are, you will die. To know and understand that means you are alive.
41. Revenge is for the petty and irresponsible.
42. Getting truly organized can vastly improve anyone’s life.
43. Almost every cliché contains a truth so profound that people have been compelled to repeat it until it makes you roll your eyes. But the wisdom is still in there.
44. People cause suffering when they are suffering themselves. Alleviating their suffering will help them not hurt others.
45. High quality is worth any quantity, in possessions, friends and experiences.
46. The world would be a better place if everyone read National Geographic.
47. If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship.
48. Even if it costs no money, nothing is free if it takes time.
49. Emotions exist to make us strongly biased towards or against something. This hinders as often as it helps.
50. Addiction is a much greater problem in society than it’s made out to be. It’s present in every person in various forms, but usually we call it something else.
51. “Gut feeling” is not just a euphemism. Tension in the abdomen speaks volumes about how you truly feel about something, beyond all arguments and rationales.
52. Posture and dress change profoundly how you feel about yourself and how others feel about you, like it or not.
53. Everyone thinks they’re an above average driver.
54. The urge to punish others has much more to do with venting frustration than correcting behavior.
55. By default, people think far too much.
56. If anything is worth splurging on, it’s a high-quality mattress. You’ll spend a third of your life using it.
57. There is nothing worse than having no friends.
58. To write a person off as worthless is an act of great violence.
59. Try as we might to be otherwise, we are all hypocrites.
60. Justice is a human invention which is in reality rarely achievable, but many will not hesitate to destroy lives demanding it.
61. Kids will usually understand exactly what you mean if you keep it to one or two short sentences.
62. Stuff that’s on sale usually has an annoying downside.
63. Casual swearing makes people sound dumb.
64. Words are immensely powerful. One cruel remark can wound someone for life.
65. It’s easy to make someone’s day just by being uncommonly pleasant to them.
66. Most of what children learn from their parents isn’t taught on purpose.
67. The secret ingredient is usually butter, in obscene amounts.
68. It is worth re-trying foods that you didn’t like at first.
69. Problems, when they arise, are rarely as painful as the experience of fearing them.
70. Nothing — ever — happens exactly like you pictured it.
71. North Americans are generally terrible at accepting compliments and offers of help.
72. There are not enough women in positions of power. The world has suffered from this deficit for a long time.
73. When you break promises to yourself, you feel terrible. When you make a habit of it, you begin to hate yourself.
74. A good nine out of ten bad things I’ve worried about never happened. A good nine out of ten bad things that did happen never occurred to me to worry about.
75. You can’t hide a bad mood from people who know you well, but you can always be polite.
76. Sometimes you have to remove certain people from your life, even if they’re family.
77. Anyone can be calmed in an instant by looking at the ocean or the stars.
78. There is no point finishing a book you aren’t enjoying. Life is too short for that. Swallow your pride and put it down for good, unfinished.
79. There is no correlation between the price of a brand of batteries and how long they last.
80. Breaking new ground only takes a small amount more effort than you’re used to giving.
81. Life is a solo trip, but you’ll have lots of visitors. Some of them are long-term, most aren’t.
82. One of the best things you can do for your kids is take them on road trips. I’m not a parent, but I was a kid once.
83. The fewer possessions you have, the more they do for you.
84. Einstein was wiser than he was intelligent, and he was a genius.
85. When you’re sick of your own life, that’s a good time to pick up a book.
86. Wishing things were different is a great way to torture yourself.
87. The ability to be happy is nothing other than the ability to come to terms with how things change.
88. Killing time is an atrocity. It’s priceless, and it never grows back.

Mantra:
This is the manifestation of my intentions. I asked for this. I am receiving the gifts I prayed for, even if they hurt now the changes are necessary for the long term goals.
I prayed to be released from the relationships that are false. I prayed to be released from lust, lies, and hurt. I am releasing the old so that the new will be welcomed.
The new is genuine. It is real. It is true.
It seems so surreal, I have been living here in North Carolina for 11 years. WOW. I have not ever really liked it here. In the beginning I reached out, and a few times I looked for a sense of community. It is just so different to live here vs. there.
I come from as island where 30+ aunts live and literally 100's of cousins. A community.
Living here where everyone does their own thing, in their own houses with their own families is weird and hard to accept. I miss my family. I miss walking to the store. I miss going for a walk or a drive and waving at everyone. I miss big family dinners.
I am excited the day has finally come for me to move back to S.E Alaska.
I feel like there should be more to the good-bye's than I've experienced.
I don't know.
I'm lonely.
I come here to love on my girl, when I'm not doing that, I wonder what I'm doing here at all.
I am excited to go home and get the life project on it's way.
I am excited to be making all of these drum bags. I am enjoying it.
I am excited to bring my new industrial sewing machine home so I am not bored and thinking too much.
I am excited to start planning the road trip back.
I am excited. I am counting my blessings and letting go of the sorrows.
xoxo

bursting

spirit, soul, body, mind, chakras, and time are all threatening to burst. Allowing them to come forth on paper always gives the release they are searching for.
I know this.
I also know that I have to allow time and space to give them a chance to line up and get ready to speak.
So, I will work, I will keep my hands and ego busy so they will not interfere and I will return ready to receive the message in a flow.

LOVE.

I stopped singing, sewing, dreaming, and doing all the things I love.
There were moments I thought I no longer had interest in these things because I felt guilty, scared and alone.
I thought I understood the big picture, when in fact, I couldn't even begin to fathom just how perfect and enormous the big picture really is.
I find myself today singing, sewing , and dreaming once again.
Only today, I realize that the reason I stopped doing the things that I really love is so I could enter a sacred place. A place I have been longing to go, to meet a person I have been dying to meet, A friend I have been longing to be one with once again.
The love we share, allowed me to travel deep within myself. Our love brought me to the door, confident, with your strength at my side. In order to enter, I had to leave everything before entering. Your love gave my heart the peace to let it all go.
Everything that I thought was so important, gone. All that was inside that door was me. I journey, with a more panoramic view, a new perspective. I thank you for this grand love, I am forever grateful in learning how to let go. How to serve my purpose; to love, and let go, with grace.

Love YOU.

BY TAYLOR

Red as Roses
Black as night
no one wins this fight tonight
love is dead
high as a kite
people die to win this fight
dead as dead
love no more
were at the core
when they say roar
i think of it more
people are hurting
never before
time is stopping
its time to change
come on baby
no more fear
aching in pain
shaking & shaking
its almost here
wipe those tears
its just a dream
or a crazy nightmare
~Taylor

the true meaning of Valentine's Day by Justina

Today is Valentine's Day of 2011. Hooooolay.

I typically use my birthday to attempt reflecting the last year of my life. You know, just really check in with myself. Ask myself the BIG questions; "How are you really doing playing this game called life?" This year however I have been doing it more than just on that special occasion.
Today I find myself asking me, "Just how are you doing loving yourself Justina, and how about the people around you? What is going on with the big L word you love to preach about?
***********************WARNING**************WARNING************WARNING*******

(This is a pity party of sorts and this entry will include many low blows and frequent use of common foul language of the English language. Cursing will be used with the intent of exaggerating and decorating as to keep reader interested and make tears fall harder.)

So, as this is Valentine's Day and I am asking these questions of myself, the answer hurts my feelings.

In the last year I have:
Left my daughter
Left my eldest son, watching him walk away homeless.
Left my husband
Lost my aunt to lung cancer, watched her go.
Left my Fayetteville Family
Left my best friend
Left my lover
Left my house

Left my job
Lost the trust of many, earned the trust of some.
Left my home and stayed away for too long
Left the me that I thought was her.

I fell down on my knees and begged for forgiveness, I promised I'd work on doing much more listening, to hear Her direction rather than going my way until She had to beat me over the head with a stick (figurative).
I asked the Creator to please, allow me to open my heart as to allow Her to live through me. I vowed to learn how to hear Her wisdom, become aware of Her intuition that guides me.

~All the billions of cells my body is created of, choose to work together so efficiently that the moment I tell them with my thoughts to move a finger, all the cells necessary listen and act. WOW. Honestly blows me away to realize how amazing I am when I really think about it, and even more so as I write it. WOW.~

Everyday it's getting better. Because I am becoming aware, we are realizing ourselves. I am going to humbly list all of the things I have done this year for myself (it's always about myself) and because I listed the sad things I've done and the purpose of me sharing my wild thoughts is to enlighten, empower, and create.
I have;
Began a new relationship with my children.
Practiced yoga
Went running
Became a volunteer x3
Learned to find the nutrition my body deserves
Became smoke free
Created a drum bag out of recycled material for a friend  :) I am working on my first order of 40!
Created a blog to share love
Created the LIFE project

a project that will change the world as we know it. A community of humans that are empowered, enlightened, and creative. Humans that have access to only healthy foods, together can feed the world. 

Moved to the mountains with the things that fit in my trunk.
Found a peaceful place and I listened.
Learned some good life tools
Got some good life recipes.
Learned how to feed my soul, cherish this vessel,treat it right, and love it!
Honor it's amazingness :)
I realized it is important for me to go back home to Alaska and learn much, much, much more.
I became aware that everything is already in place there, the people are ready, the plan is set in place.
I learned that me is really we.

This is what I must do to continue on this path;

Love myself a little more every moment
Feed myself, as I wish to be fed mentally, physically, emotionally, and creatively
Work myself so that I feel excited to get up everyday, doing exactly what I am here to do, with a passion one only gets from doing what she loves, for her people; the humans.
Be kind to myself and others.  

We are young, we are learning. There is no way I could change what I wasn't aware of. The habit of beating ourselves up with our thoughts has been created over 1,000's (possibly billions ) of years, we are only now becoming aware of ourselves

BE NICE. It will take time to create new habits,
REMEMBER all we can do is our best, moment to moment.

Together we are going to create an environment that loves.
Together.

xoxo
Justina
p.s.
I realized how simple it is to sort my thoughts and come back from the mental slavery I find myself in by writing. Life is stressful, seems to be for everyone I know, I understand and accept that. I often struggle with finding myself making things harder for the people I love and lacking understanding. I wonder how I can be going through many big life changes while creating many helpful solutions and still beat myself up for not doing enough? for not loving enough?
 Please pray for more grace and understanding, tolerance, and love.

full circle

wow. This summer, it will be 10 years since all of this (crazy) started. Amazing how time goes by. I guess I have been saying 5 years ago for about 5 years.

One of my first memories of crazy was having memories. Until this time, I really didn't not have any real memories of being a child. I started having dreams and flash backs of random weird stuff from childhood. I felt like I was remembering because I was finally comfortable in my own skin and my marriage, that my mind decided it was a good time to go through the pile of things I couldn't understand.  Every morning I was waking up from another memory. It was scary but it felt good after reliving the moment, forgiving and letting go. It was obviously what needed to be done. I soon realized the way I remembered this stuff was from a small child's perspective and the memories needed to see the situations through new compassionate eyes. It was apparent that I used a defense mechanism called throw it in a pile and move on. This pile was now enormous and insisted on being sorted. (I believe this is called bi-polar by pharmaceutical companies)

Soon after all of this started, Bill got orders to go to Afghanistan. This news was alarming, I really counted on Bill being there when I woke up, often in tears or intense fear. We decided going to therapy was necessary, I needed someone to talk through this stuff through. Within the first couple sessions, the therapist informed me that my memories were coming back because I have a daughter the same age I was when things fell apart. Taylor was 5 at the time, my parents divorced when I was 6. Just the way she moved her hand, or the questions of her mind were enough to trigger my 5 year old self. This discovery was also the alarm to how I was raising her. I was unconsciously forcing her to learn the things that I tribute to my survival.
I remember laying in bed, telling Bill that I really wanted to know what kinds of things were in the pile. The defense mechanism was now an ingrained habit, it would grab random moments (minutes-years) and throw them in the pile, didn't distinguish between good/bad anymore. Just a smell or a sound would tell my mind to pretend it never happened. I believed there was nothing in that pile so bad that I couldn't forgive and let go. I wanted to remember my life and the lives of my children. I gave myself permission to go in, then and there.

It wasn't long before I was prescibed pharmaceutical drugs, was told and believed  I was crazy and would never again be sane.  The drugs caused me to become numb to life and content with living a groundhog day kind of life. My mind, soul, and body stopped growing, quit learning, forgot about dreaming and the importance of remembering. I stayed this way on the drugs for a few years.

Half way through this self discovery, my life hit a slippery spot and went on a tail spin. Both my grandfather, (who was the male figure in my life from 5-12) and my father (from 13-25) passed away within 30 days of each other. I found myself 25 years old with no foundation in a belief system at all. I had no idea where they might have gone, no faith at all in their peace.
I stopped the pharmaceuticals cold turkey, I wanted my life back. Crazy or not, living was the choice I made.
This really sent me on a mission for some questions and some answers. What is it that I really believe?
This is a BIG question. When you ask BIG questions, the universe (God) will provide BIG answers.

10 years later, I believe the pile is sorted. All is forgiven, accepted and let go.
I am able to live in the here and now, smiling.

She's free!

Being ruled and controlled by an addiction has the ability to rule and control old thought processes. Smoking everyday @ the same times in the same places keep my thoughts running through the same circles. They stopped when I stopped.

"the only way to change something is to love it just the way it is"

Taking this approach in finally letting go of the habit, I started paying attention to the reasons I LOVE smoking. 

#1. Smoking requires us to stop whatever it is we are doing (a great excuse usually), go outside, and take 10-20 deep breathes. Didn't matter that these were smoke filled breathes, deep breathes all the same.

#2. Let's admit it, smokers are typically cool people, and deep thinkers. Going to the smoker's corner, you're sure to find a friendly companion. Meeting other smokers outside is easy, we already have something in common, we are considered outcasts by our addiction, we relate to each immediately. 

#3. Smoking tells others that I do not conform to the rules, I do things others do not approve of, I live outside the box. 

#4. Cigarettes have been the ONLY consistent thing in my life. They have become my friend. They have been beside me through all of my ups, downs, and in between for 23 years!  - pregnancies and nursing.

Accepting the reasons I love smoking allows me to put new habits in their place. 

#1. Take breaks,  stop often and take deep breathes. Go outside and take some fresh air breaks. Separate myself from what ever is going on and re-evaluate myself and my surroundings. Meditate. 

#2. Engage myself in conversations with people around me. Realize that everyone has something in common, we are sharing the human experience. We all love meeting new friends. Say hi :)

#3. I live my life outside the box, in MANY other ways than an addiction. I pride myself in my uniqueness and love to express it. (besides, cigarette addiction is becoming the norm and I am certainly not trying to be part of the norm in today's society.

#4 Smoking my problems away is really just procrastinating them. I am in the business of making love. In order to get there, I must be able to take an "issue", process it, and let it go. Smoking just shoves it somewhere in my body and I feel it later as a  physical pain.   I have a mind, great friends, new habits, and a therapist. I no longer have a use for cigarettes, I have replaced them.

In order to continue smoking, a language has been created. "trying to quit" is an impossible circle to break free from. You will be constantly "trying". 

Find a language that actually works for you. Instead of trying, I focused on being free. Each time the thought crossed my mind I said to myself and those around me... "I am proud/happy to be free from an addiction". I reminded myself that my family is proud to be free from the smoke that was a part of their lives. 

I learned a really cool way to keep on during a yoga class. While in a strenuous pose for what some may call tooooo long, the instructor taught us to ask our bodies if we should continue. This is AMAZING. If you ask your heart or lungs if they want to continue in this pose, they will smile and reassure you that you can do it! The moment you ask your head (ego) it will loudly protest. Your ego will tell you to stop this exercise immediately and go get a cigarette and a donut. 

The same with anything and everything. When my ego speaks out for "just one drag", I stop myself and ask parts of my body, I ask my family. This keeps me on the path I chose, addiction free. 

It's been 21 days. Some say this is the magic number. All the nicotine is out of my system, the habit is officially broken, I am free. Chains gone. 

P.S The last final step I took before actually quitting was letting go of my purse. One night, I dumped everything out and really looked at it. What is really necessary for me to carry around everywhere, everyday, through everything? Nothing was the answer. Once I let go of carrying stuff (cigarettes) around, it was much easier. There is nothing I need RIGHT NOW. I can go out to my glove box for lotion and chap-stick. I can ask the lady at the register for a pen (great conversation starter). Leaving my wallet in the car helps make a clear choice on purchases. The only reason I really carried a purse was to carry my cigarettes concealed. Indirectly free of two habits that no longer serve me. 

Best of all, I smell good :) 

xoxo Happy New Year, 

Cheers, to our best year yet!

Justina

FInding the center

We are out of balance when  we are searching for the "right" or "wrong"
the "ins" and "outs" the "ups" and "downs.
Balance is found in the center.
"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I’ll meet you there." ~Rumi
Learning to communicate is equal to learning to really hear what a person is trying to say. Not necessarily how the english language interprets it, but what the heart is saying.
Learning to forgive myself.
Listening to what my heart is trying to say @ the moments I am choosing to beat myself up. My ego is loud and clear, it has no time for love, no need for others, and it takes the job of protecting me from everything at all costs, very seriously.
.
Forgiving myself has turned out to be much more difficult in some ways than to forgive others, although in forgiving myself, I also forgive others and give permission for others to ask forgiveness. It is a magical journey inward, I have found a quiet strength.
Learning to trust myself and trust others.
Reflecting the past. Reliving it without judgment or "taking it personal".  Realizing that the perspective of my little girl self was much bigger than my "adult" perspective. Moments of fear that spread into days, days turned into months and months turned into years. My ego is also very dramatic and exaggerating
I am tired and must nap.
xoxo